2016-The Interview-An Exclusive Look At.........

*

(12/29/2016 at 07:35am PST an interview in a local bar.)

*Not a 'whites only MRA' meeting.

"Pssst....So it's me 2016. I don't know why everyone is freaking out. We're all going to die, but I was summoned to speak on this kid's blog and he has one 'Make a comic wanabe wish' so I will roast soon enough with this kid. He promised me good publicity so..... Look I'm sorry. I, I never wanted things to end up this way but I'm just a year people. Things happen in me. You think I'm bad did you see my cousins 2001 and 2010? Talk about a bad act! I mean Jesus, even when I talk to him year one looks great in comparison! Oh shit, here he comes to ask his 'great' questions...."

Jack: Hello and welcome 2016, thanks for agreeing to this interview.

2016 takes a long drag off a long cigarette.

2016: Free publicity pal.

2016 puts out the cigarette and immediately lights a longer cigarette.

Jack: Right off the bat, I want to ask you. How are you holding up lately?

2016: I mean I'm doing as well as I can for a year that's going to die in three days, you know?

Jack: I don't know, care to expand on that?

2016 puts out cigarette and grabs pipe and loads it with crack. Takes a long hit.

2016: You mind?

Jack: Me casa es su casa.

2016: About that buddy. You don't have any controversy in this house, what gives?

Jack: I'd like to respectfully of course bring the focus back to you if we could. What's controversial about speaking Spanish in cliché form?

2016 pulls out a picture to show me sobriety.

                                         

2016: This upsets you doesn't it?

I stare blankly at 2016.

Jack: Ok 2016 I was polite enough to grant you this interview can you just hold on with the photos?

2016 begins to move his head left and right on a swivel intermittingly taking whippets and injecting heroin into its veins.

2016: When you reached my age kid, you don't care anymore. Look, you see this picture?

2016 pulls from his pocket a picture.

-Jack: You're saying you started the year off as Donnie Osmond?

2016: Who didn't? Look, you Americans think it's all about you. Oh, we didn't get universal health care and we're going to cry and......

Jack: Can I stop you for a second? I wanted you to be allowed to speak without

2016: Time!

Jack: What?

2016: You wanted to stop me for a second. It's been two.

Jack: Ok look, I know you don't have much time and each second is valuable to you.

2016 looks pontific

2016: Do you though? Do you really know? Do you know what it's like to be raised in the 21st century family? Having to hear stories and songs about '1999' and the 'New Millenium'? Yeah...Yeah, I got upset.

2016 begins to cry and puts down the drugs and starts vaping.

Jack: Look, I didn't want to be perceived as attacking you I just had some questions for you.

2016 crying

2016: I tried you know? I tried to hold it together. David Bowie was not even me! Look to my great great great grandparents the 70's for that!

Crying even louder.

Jack: People are just upset you know?

2016: Oh yeah, of course. I mean let's blame it on the even years right? I mean look I know you got shot in 10' and for some odd reason you started stand up this year. Don't you FEEL responsible in any way?! Yeah, I know things.

Jack: Actually, while not a fun experience, getting shot WAS kind of a wake up call so it wasn't entirely all bad.

2016: And the stand up?

Jack: Touche.

2016, gaining confidence, stops crying and begins to do a line of cocaine.

Jack: Where did you even get that?

2016: This is America right? You want a bump.

Jack: I don't. I have coffee I'm good.

2016: Eh whatever floats your tiny boat. Me? I don't care. I see you gave up drinking earlier this year too.

Jack: Not coffee and water though.

2016: Please with the dumb jokes, ok kid?

2016 drops 10 hits of acid.

Jack: Ok, back to this year in review. Care to explain American politics.

2016: No.

Jack: Why?

2016: I'm just being honest.

Jack: And I appreciate that 2016 but I was hoping you'd elabora--

2016: Hey, hey kid!

2016 leans in

2016: Like a Mormon teen practicing sexual abstinence, I don't 'give a fuck' ok?

Jack: Ok well now you're just plagiarizing a rap song I can't think of.

2016: You know what I learned kid?

2016 takes about twenty seconds to pause think, and take 6 consecutive shots of Jack Daniels neat.

2016: Nobody remembers the good, only the bad in a year. The truth is....

2016 excuses himself to vomit on the floor.

2016: Where were we?

Jack: You were reaching an epiphany of some type of dramatic arc in an horrible interview.

2016: Right.

2016 begins to take 10 pills of ecstasy washed down with a gallon of absinthe.

2016: The truth is. The world as is, is chaos.

2016 starts twirling in circles.

Jack: Chaos? How do you explain then the growin----

::CRASH SOUND::

2016 has broken the Ikea furniture
He slowly get up and composes himself and sits down.

2016: Sorry about that. Where was I?

Jack: You were talking about the world is chaos.

2016: Right. I-I.....oh here it is.

2016 takes out a gun and lays it on the table.

Jack: 2016 I'm going to have to end this interview please. I told your publicist, Kellyanne Conway no weapons please.

2016: No, no, no. You're misunderstanding me kid. This isn't for me. I've been listening to Dylan lately and that mother fucker is immortal. Put these to ground please. And for the love of God, please enough with the stand up?

Jack takes hit off of a balloon for helium voice and jumps off stage to startle a sweet old man.

Jack: No.

And with that 2016 goes to Heaven with all dogs and people who we lost in 2016 and 2017 enters the room.

2017: SURPRISE!

2016 reconsiders and shoots 2017 in the head.

2017: Well, this must be the place?

2016- A Peer In Review

Mid-west hello Seattle!

How are you? No, no, no, tell me in detail. Never mind the line.

Get that highly complicated coffee order in hand (I got my Mickey Dee's 'Too hot for TV mouth) on mine and eight hours ahead of me behind a desk.

Oh wait no, no. That's Traffic.

Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Play me a tune. Play me a this is how you put your foot on the gas Samuel L Jackson Pulp Fiction Jules Winfield lecture Brett!

I digress.

It's almost 2017!?

It's time for the annual year in review **cough**embellishments****cough**.

I've never been happier in my life with my beautiful wife and beautiful baby daughter who is 16 months. I'm like a Talking Heads song and 'this must be the place.'

Now I've never been good at math, but I started my first year of sobriety this year on February 8, 2016. Today, December 22nd 2016 that's 318 days.

 Although it's been almost three years since my last drink,  I feel that this time around it's been the easiest decision I've made in my young adult romance novel phase of life.

When Peyton Manning won Super bowl 50 and told the camera he was going to have a Bud after trotting off the field, this bud retired from football as well. The football had become hackneyed, a weekend ritual saving grace to remind me (a 33 year old husband, father and Dad, and life coach) that there's a reason Jesus wanted to accomplish everything between that 32-33 age gap.

Jesus: "Guys, hey guys. These sandals don't bode well with the mission ok? I need to like now, right now get a move on. You there! How would you like to be a 'fisher of men' and also make some quality shoe ware  for me?!"

So I retired it. Best decision I made next to driving cross country to start my life, and making the prediction that America would pick reality TV asshole Donald Trump as our next president of the Uni-- yeaaaaaaah.

What a year for reflections huh?

Everyone, and I mean everyone has a selfie-stick this year am I right?

Heckler: "That was five years ago asshole!

 As millennials see no end in sight with the possibility of the Walking Dead becoming a real life documentary, millions of young Americans are opening up their own Thai restaurant called Phuck It, and having one last Hoor-ah!

You might be thinking at this point, "Hey, why does Jesus and Heckler have the same bold faced font and lingo?"

To me, my Jesus was a heckler, heckling out the BS that was people's doubts and trappings of saying this is just how things, 'have to be.'

Me? No, no, I'm not Jesus. I'm a John the Baptist kind of guy. Locusts, honey, warning people of the pending apocalypse of more Fuller House.

(secretly love it.)

Take 2016. Look who died?

Right out of the gate in January bye bye Bowie?! No!

Farewell my dear Prince in April ?! No!

Did the greatest boxer to even live die this year too?!

Astronauts from Ohio?

'Mean Gene' Wilder?

This list is sad to look at but also reminds us of their life work!

Rest in Peace

I saw a FEMME comedy show this year mid year that changed me. Our nation was going through its 5,0000 mass shooting and I needed to see a show. My wife said, 'go', and so not to argue with my beautiful wife I did. I'm glad I did. I'm glad I did because I learned a lot about myself through this show. Mainly how I can annoy the local comedy scene with my Midwest mannered awkwardness.

Also, I gained a good friend who told me about this AMAZING STORY!

I got to meet Dylan. I got to thank him and tell him my story. I even got to try stand up comedy with my good friend on September 12 of this year WHILE Dylan was in attendance at the 907.

I think I made him laugh?

I'll never forget that.

I bought a house a la Canned Heat as 'I'm going down in the country.' But also my wife and I bought a house. There's a reason we are told as students in grade school to put the other person before you in a sentence.

In short exists a 'h' and an 'o 'but also I followed the lead of my wife this year.

This was the year of "EVERYONE FOLLOW BEHIND THE SMART PEOPLE. HOLD! HOLD!"

"THEY MAKE TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY"LL NEVER TAKE OUR COFFEEEEEEEEE!"

(Seattle charges the hill, running out of breathe from the 'smoke'. The smoke confuses the opposition and all of a sudden they just want to relax and 'yeah, we should like treat people as people like our man JC did?')

I hope this is the outcome in 2017 as my Midwest bred eyes looked at the city I lived near in go up (like many) in anger over police brutality, hate, and other forms of intolerance.

For me the only life event on the horizon to unlock my last adult achievement before my 'This is 40' cover band (with Paul Rudd on lead) is to finish school, which I will do this quarter. I decided to go a more traditional route and actually be in the class as I take two at Seattle Central Community College in two weeks.

I'm currently enrolled in one and on the waiting list for the second but the wait is a public speaking class and so yeah,
**flips trendy umbrella**
I got this.

What I don't have, with less then thirty days to go, is a clear understanding of what the actual what is going on in our current country? (you know as opposed to a country I might not notice soon?)

I read the news a lot and that grows tiresome. Watching the Cleveland Browns doesn't help.

In fact if I can parallel park these ideas I liken the current political atmospheric uncertainty we face ourselves in as if we, America, gave the Cleveland Browns the number one pick in the draft and we just keep allowing them to Phuck It up.

(I still like this Thai restaurant in my head. **Writes 'Shark Tank Thoughts'**

In 2016 anything happened and it did. <-----------(The kind of statement everyone has always said about any year.)

I guess this means 2017 we are finally going to unpack our shit as a country and collective consciousness to see what white elephant we got this year?

::unwrapping a gift:: ::laughter::cries:::slow cries::mad laughter::

Truth be told I am optimistic. Call me Jack, but I do believe our best days are somewhere over the rainbow, it's just been clouded as of late and I'm wishing for it to come back and rear its magical head to include all.

In the meantime I know we will continue to stay 'in tune' but not 'buy in' to the ever trending puppy dog picture that has become the new form of every bad phobia and 'ist' there is.

Me?

I turn to first my wife and daughter and THEN to comedy and in particular local writers, comedians, various improv troupes and the cast of Seattle Rent (hikes) to make sense of this mad mad world.

A song I used to sing to my very tiny daughter when she was first born (A dad original):

"Everything's ok, Everything's ok.

There's no need to be saddy,

You're right here with your daddy.

Everything's ok, Everything's ok."

(Song is kind of a big deal.)

Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, and Neil Young need not be called. I don't want to make em' feel nervous, even if I am.

Moving on from my suburb spelling and lyrical intellagence. 

Top (fill in number) lists are trite and terrible but let's try it anyway! Here is a list of my top 5 songs of 2016.

    Top 5 songs of 2016

5.) Pretenders-Roadie Man

4.) David Bowie-Girl Loves Me

3.)Beyonce-Formation

2.)Paul Simon-Cool Papa Bell

1.) Bleachbear-Boy

Seattle is loaded with more comedic talent then it has raindrops. Here is just a sample of local comics you need to see like you would the EMP, Pike's Place, The Great Wheel, and that mysterious Bertha. This is just a short list. Google Seattle comedy and your mind will be blown. Think first time you heard Zep, the Cure, or Tears for Fears! These comics will have you spilling tears of laughter! (do you see what I, ha, did, ha there with the...........)................................

 Just some of the many funny Seattle Area Comics to check out in 2017.

1.) Cheri Hagan Hardman

2.) Brett Hamil

3.) Liz Donehue

4.)Levi Manis

5.)Monica Nevi

6.) Andy Iwancio

7.) Luke Severeid
8.) Amani Taylor
9.) Hope Linden
10.) Rachel Walls
11) Todd Kirkwood
12.) Narin Vann
13.) Mary Lou Gamba

All these comics and so many more are amazing in my humble new beginning.

So there you go. I gave up drinking, took up 'my comedy' I'll call it. I write a lot more. I love my job and my wife and small child. Oh, oh I just survived a car crash three days ago!

It's been a great year in review. And as I finish this drivel I just watched a good friend from Ohio take the mic for his first time attempting stand up. Funny as he is, I hope and know, it won't be his last.
I take that spirit into 2017.

To 2017 we go!

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Your UFC fighter: Uniformed, Fragile, Comic?

Sincerely,

Action Jackson.

"It's not my job to worry or to think
Not me
I'm more like:
"Everyday I'm here I'm grateful"
and that's the gist of it
Now you may call that a bogus, bullshit, new-age point of view,
But check out my tattoo
Says: "Wall-to-wall fun"
Does everyone know everyone,
Mr. Wall-to-wall fun?"- Paul Simon 'Cool Papa Bell'

Eh uh How Many Coffees you into so far?





How many coffees are you into so far?

This has become my new reworded Seattle phrase to mean, "How are you?"

Now depending on who I am asking the responses will vary from,

"Not so good, only two in."
to
"Oh my Ballard! Only five in!"

Notice the theme? Nothing is good enough. Not even the 520 toll bridge?

Sadly know.*


*<------Look it's a snowflake. Remember when they said no two snowflakes are the same? ***** I see five that appear to be so...........

I digress.


It's colder outside then _______(fill in the blank with something cold)

How many coffees am I into so far?

I've had about three caffeinated libations on the job thus far. I'm doing pretty Queen Anne, thank you.

At least the orb that gives off heat is out. It's a clear sunny day in Redmond. (A sentence that rarely gets typed. Like,

"No bass player needed for local band."

I can play bass, but I can't catch a bass.


RATS!

It has been funny as this Midwestern mannered transplant views people thinking 40 degree sunny weather is somehow the sign of the apocalypse.

This Ohio boy knows that when it gets cold, we get bold.

Shorts weather!

Why not?

The more I can trick myself and take focus off the heating bill and become aware the better.

If I ever did start a cult it would be a sect of people who gain nirvana through medication* brought on by shorts weather in winter.

*Meditation

Tis' the season to complain about anything and everything and so the weather is no shortage. I'm just glad that in my 45 minute commute to work today I only had to  Kurtis BLOW my breaks, about, oh nine hundred times!

No please go at least 12 under the speed limit I beg of you. Nobody behind you Seahawk 12 needs to get to work this morning.

My GPS doesn't take into account people who look at a speed limit like their account balance. 

Wait.....bad example. They WANT to get to zero.

I digress.

Hey the Rolling Stones have a new album out entitled "Black and Blue II" (Our bones are Torn and Frayed)

.....I crack myself up sometimes.....

There's news that an elector from Texas won't actually cast  his ballot for president-elect Donald Trump.

Hey say what you will about the crazy right, they never pulled that crap with Obama. .......ehhhhh

ehhhhhhh....wellll........

It's a good thing we live in a post racial society, free from prejudices and a patriarchal society that just melted (in your mouth) not in your hand (carrying a gun) when Hillary won the popular vote.  

Remember kids, our founding fathers didn't pay their fair share of child support so we're stuck with an archaic system.

Hey even in a representative republic of a democracy you think we'd get it right now and then?

But we'll see.

I learned that DT (as I will now forever call the man) tweeted about Boeing making a 'bad deal' and now the stock is wildin' out with Nick Cannon.

(By the way, my inner soul singer is Mariah Carey's high A) I can hit it. Oh yes, I can!

"E AHHHHH AEHHH AHAHAHHAHAHAHA HEART BREAKER"

"Give me your love, give me your love, give me your love, give me your love"

Give me a break.............



Sponsor or no sponsor, I will not bow down to a corporate master.

I love coffee.

It turns out it's good for you. And I like it how I like the most depressive of thoughts and positive ones.

BLACK.

Such a good flavor to it. It makes the Seattle Freeze.

Give me a double shot of black coffee not chilled on no ice with extra flavor of birch wood please.

One more cup of coffee before the road?

One more cup of coffee before the ghost of Tom Joad?

One more cup of coffee before I use the bathroom again and again*

*I'm working on my Haiku's give me a break. (Kit Kat again?)

Drink up!

"White Stripes! You're like the Monkees with a drinking problem!"-Triumph the Insult Comic









First Of The Month AND Free Coffee?!

**Alarm Rings** ((YAAAAWN)

Hey, It's the first of the month.

I can't not play this song as,

1.) I'm from Cleveland, Ohio (home to the bone, ((and depression)),
and
2.) Is the number that comes after one. (Thank you Jesuit education.)

Also, I never saw Cleveland streets this festive!


How's everyone feeling?

I'm cold. And you can't spell cold without 'old'. Well, I guess you could.

C.

See? It's a c. Little c with a capital L. What's the capital of C? A or B? Sub question:

  A train from Milwaukee (what is this 1902?) leaves the train station at 11:00am and meets up with another train in Chicago at 2:56pm, if they stop for gas and are going 75mph at equal times what time with the train from Milwaukee get to Chicago if the train conductor dies because he's on his third heart attack and fifth Four Loco.?

**Cue thirteen year old boy raising his hand because he's confused at the question. The teacher comes over.**


"Yes you, the dummy who doesn't get word problems? You have a question?"

It's easy to write out the date when it's the first of the month. 12-1-2016. I sometimes forget the year and I think it's still the 90's.

Remember when gas was 1.50?

I digress.

How's everyone feeling?

I feel great. I just bought a house. Well, my wife and I bought a house and a bank gave me a loan that I will never pay back ((laughs to himself, stares out the window))

I just bought a house in Duvall, Washington for over 400,000. In my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio the house might have gone for 40,000. Because that's what Duvall needs, another zero **points to himself**

But, serioulsy folks, is a great album by Joe Walsh. "Tomorrow, I'll make a list for things to do. And when I wake up,

OH OH UH OHHHHH!"

(SERIOUS FACE)

I just completed my first ever sketch writing comedy class at Seattle's Pocket Theater and it was very informative as it was fun!

Being new to the comedy scene of Seattle and comedy in general, after attempting stand up a few times it was a nice change of pace to allow my mind to view different various aspects of my creativity. It beats attempted murder and being a cereal killer. (I'm looking at you Frosted Flakes!)

  Matt Olsen, improv person, writer, performer and teacher offered a class that was both educational and fun. I strongly recommend all illiterate people listening to this audio to search him out. Good guy.

(Good Guy was also the killer doll Chuckie's manufacturer in the Matell Documentary movie Child's Play, so just fair warning. He might be your 'Friend to the end.")

Not actually Matt Olsen (Batteries however, included)

I met a lot of interesting funny people in my creative sketch writing class. Seattle has an abundance of ambivalent, audacious, adjective, vocab words, (I'm smart) people. Most if not all of the people in my class were people AND had a background in theater. (Small criminal backgrounds too, but it was all good.) If I was giving a Rolling Stone review of this class it would have gotten 5 stars and it wasn't even a musical!

I had a great time.

I can't wait, feel the revival of my inner creative spirit (and demons) to get back on stage! Thank you Pocket Theater. I will take what I learned to the stage and hey I think I might actually make a list of things to do as Joe Walsh says and cross of Improv for the things to do.

Soul Sacrafice is a way better song then it is an actual ceremony. Less screaming.

Anyway, Enjoy your first of the month and remember that the word enjoy doesn't need to be capitalized if you grammmmer naxis are keeping score.

As always, this is your captain Action Jackson signing the blues and looking for clues of a news that isn't dry, but I'll stay sly, I'm your guy. I aint no jerk, and I'm back to work.....

Piece.

Jack "Francis" Gorbett IV 'The Fourth!' 'Make way!'

Merry Christmas Baby--"Seattle Grey" to "It's going to be ok"

Merry Christmas Baby

  I find it mildly comforting and fitting that the Seattle grey sky would match the decrepit, depressing, dark, (alliteration time) mood of holiday season shopping. The incessant reminder of the commercialization of a time for bonding and snow angels.

  And I blame my fellow Midwestern mannered transplants. What with our fake Christmas joviality and our intricately stocked endcaps in retail stores showing bright Christmas lights and Santa Claus fixtures a week before Halloween.

   "Hi, I'm looking for a young ghost costume for my young so----"

   "No you're not. You're looking for Santa Claus!!! Right this way. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Mas Christ!"

  I digress.

  The war on Christmas, much like the War on Terror are unwinnable for the same reasons. Just like there will always be terrorists, there will always be self-loathing, self-serving ice cream, (no) 'Christians' who want to make it all about them, I mean (CHRIST)

  No please continue. Yes, tell me again about the poor carpenter who spoke modestly about not praying in public and being 'that guy' everyone knows who's like,

  "look at me, look at me!"

  "Jeff we see you, put the gun down!"

 It seems to me that if we wanted to truly celebrate the birth of Jesus we would most likely want to give all of our possessions to the poor this 'holiday season' and/or take in a homeless person. You know, like he said?

 "Honey, who is this Jerome guy and why does he smell like plastic burning?

 "Jesus Christ honey, this Jesus guy said to obtain eternal salvation we need to smell this shit."

 "Ok. Yeah uh, can we uh buy that eye of the needle that fits the camel through it?! I saw it on sale on Amazon. Done. Ordered!"

  Yes around this time, not even into December officially yet, we begin to hear the holiday songs on the radio reminding us why we didn't upgrade our 3,000 car we bought 5 years ago after almost dying in Nebraska in inclement weather and get a cd player.  You know that?

  I digress.

  The worst is the radio commercials:

"Give her the gift that warms her heart each and every year. He went to Jarred. He went to Tiffany's. He went to Fred Myer."

 "Oh really now? He went to Fred Myer for jewelry?! Ok. Remind me to go to a Klan meeting to read Why the Caged Bird Sings. Don't break the bank at Fred Myer jewelry there buddy. And while you're at it can you pick up bread and cucumbers. They're on sale. Thanks."

  I used to be engaged to the idea of Christmas. I still am. But it was an amicable divorce, a split if you will some time back when I realized there was a war on Christmas!

  And Seattle is ground zero for hedonistically heroically hominins of attacks (alliteration, improper use of words)

  These people say 'Happy Holidays' as if 'All Holidays Matter."

  No. I'm sorry, but no they don't. Black Friday's Matter! Black Friday's Matter!

  Remember the birth of Christ? Neither do I. I was waaaaay to young.

  Fox news needs to get into the trenches. I can't do it alone out here in the greater Seattle area. I feel like Katness Everdeen minus the ability to use a bow and arrow and survive my 'hunger games.'

  My wife makes the best holiday food there is and my weight will continue to rise like the 520 bridge toll.

  We need to take back the holiday to reflect the true values of Jesus the man, the myth, the legend!

  He walked on water. We can drive on the 520 bridge (not without intermittent breaks of our car. It's the coffee what is it?)

  He was a carpenter. We need to breed creativity in the Seattle streets for young kids to fashion 'Merry Christmas" welcome signs.

  This Happy Holiday bullshit just needs to stop. It's CHRIST-MAS. More Christ, less Helll-I-Day.
  (Did you see what I did back there? Es funny)

  But I digress.

  Look, my wife and I decided to celebrate this years holiday season by watching our Netflix que to see where it takes us. As for gifts, together with friends we will combine my birthday near Christmas (THANKS MOM AND DAD!) with a FRIENDSMAS. It's going to be fun. It will be magical. Mexico is going to pay for it!

 I've decided that no Christmas music will survive my musical ear this holiday season. I'm sorry Bing Crosby. (tears)

.

"I'm from Ohio! It's in me! Oh...Hi...Oh, I'd be happy to tell you about the greater Cleveland area!"


 I do have an exception. This live rendition that I remember seeing as a small child still gives me hope in the fat white guy dropping socialism to the masses down chimneys all throughout America and parts unknown.

BRUUUUUUCE-----The E street Band may have some answers to your holiday blues.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Survive the Seattle Grey Skies. And if you're feeling down and out and need someone to talk to every little call helps: help

Because it could be worse. You could be randomly shot in Cleveland. Hmmm, on second thought you can live in Cleveland?

296 Days Sober

 

Dinner With Friends Or An Undecided Voter's Food for Thought

Dinner With Friends

Or

An Undecided Voter's Food for Thought

Jack Gorbett

Characters

Lilly

Max

Chelsea

Tom

Isabella

(Scene. A home)

Lilly is chopping vegetables. Water is boiling. A large dinner is being made. The doorbell rings. Lilly opens it to see her best friend from college Chelsea, her husband Tom, and their three year old Max.

Lilly: Chelsea Hello!

Chelsea: Haha, Hiiii!

They hug like two friends who haven't seen each other in some time. Lilly backs off a little.

Lilly: Ah! So good to see you! You guys made perfect timing. Dinner should be ready in ten. Max! Look at you buddy getting so big! Tom! Come in! Come in!

All four walk in happy and Lilly gets their coats. Lilly yelling to no one in particular in another room.

Lilly: Honey! Sweetie! Max is here!

(::Sound of gunfire:: Two shots::)

Isabella: Mommy? Mommy I'm sorry.

We see a three year old Isabella walk down the hallway slowly holding a Crimson Trace Smith and Wesson 9mm handgun. Lilly smiles and walk to her daughter.

Lilly: Isabella sweetie. Let's not show off now, remember?

Isabella: Safety first?

Lilly: Safety first sweetie, that's right.

Lilly takes the hand gun from her daughter, puts the safety on then hands it back to her.

Isabella runs excitingly to Max who is at the feet of Chelsea, his mother.

Isabella: Tag! You're it! Hahaha.

Isabella runs down the hallway as Max gives chase.

Lilly to Chelsea

Lilly: Is yours the same? She can listen to us nine out of ten times. But that tenth time!

Chelsea: It's the age. They're testing our limits.

Tom: I don't want to sound rude here, but I'm not sure I agree on your parenting style Lil.

Lilly: Tom, Chris and I said to ourselves ' our daughter is an American citizen, and as a citizen she's guaranteed certain rights one of which is the right to bear arms'. We just thought why not celebrate it at the earliest of ages?

Chelsea: Oh yeah! Like Jehovah Witness buffet's or the Death tax!

Lilly: Exactly!

Tom: Well I like the police having guns, but children?

Lilly: Tom, Chris and I said to ourselves, 'Our little angel loves to go number two, so why not introduce her to that amendment as well?' Just because her diaper is full of shit, doesn't mean her world view has to be.

Tom laughs

Tom: Touche, touche Lilly.

(::Sound of explosions:: Both Max and Isabella are walking down the hallway setting of small explosive grenades)

Isabella: Boom! Boom! Boom!

Max: Boom! Boom! Boom!

Max is suddenly ripped into two by an explosive. His upper torso is asking if he can be fixed.

Lilly: Isabella honey. Honey go get Mommy's sewing kit. Remember what I taught you last week?

Isabella: Yes Mommy.

Isabella runs off real quick to get her mother's sewing kit. She's back immediately fixing up Max as good as new. Max is calm.

Chelsea: Oh damn, she's good! My Max can't even put down the toilet seat.

Tom: I don't want to sound rude here, but I'm not sure I agree on your parenting style Lil.

Lilly: Tom, Chris and I said to ourselves, 'If Ben Carson can be a doctor and think there's wheat in the pyramids, then our little angel can perform open heart surgery and mend two halves of people who have been severed in minutes.'

Tom: I must say, I am quite impressed.

Lilly: You guys remember Corky?

Chelsea: Aw why yes, your little Pug dog! How is he?

Lilly: Dead. He was suffering last week, going hungry why we were out of town, so lil Isabella here put him out of his cute Pug faced misery. He's what you smelled when you walked in.

Tom: You know I thought I smelled delicious dog? I have to say, maybe I don't fully agree with the politics at play here, but I'm starting to see the 'other side.'

Suddenly both Max and Isabella are carrying bags of white powdered anthrax.

Chelsea: Not to interrupt this fascinating discussion, but do the kids have anthrax?

Lilly: Ah, they do! Ohhh Isabella. She's taking a science course and she's waaaay ahead of the other kids.

Tom: Yeah. I don't want to sound rude here, but I'm not sure I agree on your parenting style Lil.

Max and Isabella immediately throw the white anthrax into Tom's face.

Tom: ::coughing:: ::coughing:: Oh boy! Boy, that really stings and does not taste pleasant.

The kids start crying. Tom is continuing to cough.

Lilly: Awww kids. Tom here didn't mean to make you cry. Tell them you're sorry Tom. I mean what the fuck?

Tom is coughing.

Tom: I don't...want ...to sound....rude....but...I'm...not sure...I agree...on...

Tom interrupted by his wife Chelsea

Chelsea: Tom, don't be such a dick to the kids!

Lilly: Tom, Chris and I said to ourselves, if our little princess wants to throw chemical weapon grade anthrax into people's faces who are we to say no? What happened to you Tom? A little anthrax in the face and you turn into the biggest pussy!

Chelsea: Ohh that reminds me. Where is the cat?

Lilly: She's the appetizer.

Chelsea: ahhhhhhh.

Max: I don't want to sound rude here, but I thought I smelled burnt cat when I walked in.

(end)

Trollervention

Trollervention

Jack Gorbett

(Scene. An apartment)

Tim opens the door to his apartment to see his girlfriend, dad, mother and grandmother sitting on a couch. In front of them is an empty chair with troll dolls encircling it.

Tim: What the?!....

Dad: Tim, please sit....I think. I think it's time we talked.

Tim, looking at his girlfriend Jodi

Tim: Did you? Did you set this up?

Mom: Tim, sweetheart. Please just sit down. We need to speak with you.

Tim confused, sits down in the empty chair.

Tim: Ok, ok, what is this even about? I don't drink. And what's with the dolls? This feels like an intervention.

Jodi: Tim honey, you know that I love you. But the behavior as of late on social media has been rather...harsh. Your incessant need to comment, post and belittle anyone with a viewpoint that doesn't agree with you. Your instigating. Just this morning you left your Facebook account open for me to see that you were fat shaming  a ten year old Girl scout troop downtown...The, the conspiracy theories of how Flint water supply is just flavored,  Obama's secret Muslim brotherhood stories....Trump, the next FDR....It's just..

Tim's dad interrupts her.

Dad: She means to say you're turning into a troll son!

Tim's Mom looks shocked at her husband's rude interruption

Mom: What do you know about trolls?

Dad: I married one!

Tim's mother has a staff, cloak and troll arms ears and nose now. Her demeanor is loving.

Tim: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa. Back off ok! I'm allowed to have an opinion on something mother!

My facts matter!

Jodi: Tim, honey calm down. Your mother didn't say anything to you just now. I did. Look, you know I love you in this real world, so why can't you just return it. Put the social media down. You're turning into someone I didn't fall in love with.

Cut to Tim with troll staff and cloak on. He's not angry, but sounds like a troll would.

Tim: With all due respect to your guys feelings. I disagree with you idiots. I can't help that when I'm in a political disagreement with complete strangers that I get animated with my facts. It's my first amendment right you see?

Mom: Tim, sweetie do you hear what you sound like now? What you look like to those around you?

Cut back to Tim with troll staff, cloak, and now troll arms.

Tim: You guys act like I'm a troll all the time! I work full time. I don't have time to do these things!

Dad: Well son you have your cell phone out in your left hand. You mean to tell me you're not trolling the internet now?

Tim staff in one hand, cell phone in the other is commenting on a Facebook thread speaking out loud to himself:

Tim: Ha! That's what a so called '9/11' truth denier would say! Read a book buddy!

Jodi: Please don't take this the wrong way honey, we love you and are here for you. We know you've been stressed out at work and are just worried and concerned for your wellbeing. I know you're a beautiful man, with a beautiful heart.......

Jodi is interrupted by an angry Tim who is now a full troll. (ears, nose, staff, cloak, arms) He stands up angrily.

Tim: Arrrgh! This is preposterous! I can't even stomach you people anymore! I need to get out of here! Arrrgh!

Tim angrily walks through the wall of his tiny apartment. Dad looks at Jodi

Dad: Well your plan didn't seem to work.

Mom, still dressed as full on troll.

Mom: Oh you hush! Christ, I wonder where he got it from! And you!

Mom looks at grandma, her mother, silently nodding next to her.

Mom: What! You're just going to sit idly by and be quiet the entire time mother?!

Grandma: What?! What do you want from me?! I saw the dolls, I thought he was gay.

We pan out to see a small series of apartments that are under a bridge in a city with a sign that reads "Reality: Population 'Non-existent'

(end)

Smile For the Press

Smile For the Press

characters

President Obama

President-Elect Trump

MLK's Bust

Little boy

Little girl

Children

REPORTERS

Phil Smiley

Lisa Donahue

Jorge Gonzalez

Michelle Obama

Dog

Smile For the Press

(Scene. White House Roosevelt Room. President Obama next to President-elect Trump, sitting.)

Obama: And that is why we should be grateful that America is one of the few beacon of lights in our world , in her shinning example, that the peaceful transfer of power must be our example for democracy itself ....
Martin Luther King Jr Bust: What the fu--?!
President looks over at president-elect Trump
Obama: Fun. Fun times. And so Mr. President-elect I want to extend my congratulations to you and to offer you the easiest transition possible moving forward. Thanks everybody...
Lightbulbs flash as the both men shake hands. Press people are shouting. 
Obama: No questions everybody. No questions. Thank you.
Obama saying inaudible conversation to someone off stage
Obama: A few? (agitated) Ok, I'm told we have to field a few. Lets get this over with people.
Press corp shouting.
Phil Smiley: Mr. President! Mr. President! Phil Smiley with 'Your acting is Oscar Worthy News.' President Elect Obama said this about POW John McCain who you ran against in 2008.....
(Cut to cute little 3 year old boy quoting Donald Trump)
Little boy: “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
(Cut back to Phil)
Phil Smiley: My question Mr. President is, given the climate at the time of you running for president in 2008, if you would have said that about your then opponent senator McCain, what do you think your chances would have been to A.) avoid being shot  and B) become President of the United States?
(Obama has ripped the arms off the chair he's sitting in but is trying to remain calm)
Obama: Nooo comment!
(Press hollering)
Lisa Donahue: Mr. President! Mr. President! Lisa Donahue with  ::singing: '99 Bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer! We took them down, elected this clown, 98 bottles of beer on the wall' ::somber:: News.' My question is President-Elect Trump said this regarding women, your comments?
(Cut to cute little 3 year old girl quoting Donald Trump)
Little Girl: “You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."

(Obama  looks shocked and is moving his eyes left and right in a 'you have to be kidding me' kind of way. His looks forces painting behind him and the bust of MLK to blow up)

Obama: Nooo comment!

(Press hollering)

Jorge Gonzalez: Mr. President! Mr. President! Jorge Gonzalez with ::Jorge just stares at Obama for six long seconds in the most shocking manner:: News. My question is quite simple. Given what President-Elect Trump has said about immigrants, building a wall, deporting upwards of 3 million people, and equating Mexicans as rapists...uhhhh...What the fuck man?!

(Obama stares blankly in the distance)

Obama:  Noo comment!

(Michelle Obama is holding a vicious Doberman pincher with a tag that says 'comment' on its leash)

Michelle: Try defending against THIS comment.

Obama: Comment, comment Nooo!

Michelle unleashes comment the Doberman pinscher and it immediately tackles Trump and licks his face rapidly.

Donald Trump: hahahahha. Oh, that's a good boy. That's a good boy. Ha,ha it tickles!

Press corp taking pictures

Press Corp (together): AWWWWWWWWW!

(Obama has the look of 'I give up')

Obama: I'm Muslim by the way.

Press Corp (together): DUHHHHHH

(END)

Yet To Be: Farewell EP to Thick as Thieves

If you want to be that cool friend who gets your rock n roll friend that perfect holiday gift look no further..



.YET TO BE.....

(Before I proceed with this, I guess you can call it a review, I have a confession to make. I usually don't like music reviews. Just like I don't like Seattle drivers going UNDER the posted speed limit.)

“It’s 60 MPH Seattle 12’s, it’s not asking you to go 12 below the posted limit!”)

Sorry. That's not the confession.

I had the pleasure of knowing  the guitar player for the Emerald Cities’ new exciting rock n’ roll band Yet to Be for a year as he was our neighbor.

It’s Yet to Be determined if he will accept by Facebook friend request but hey, it’s early.

(Ok, I’m allowed one pun)

I digress. I like rock n' roll. I consider myself a jazz man with a blues heart. It's the Cleveland, Ohio in me.

Three years ago my wife and I moved into our Redmond, Wa apartment complex only to meet are affable, gregarious, fun loving neighbor Brett who told us he was in a band. Cool I thought internally. It's the Seattle area I spoke to myself, who isn't? (My naïve Midwest sensibilities got the best of me)

"What do you do?" he asked.

"Security, and on the side stand up comedian."

"Huh, I'm sorry to hear that."

We went our separate ways and truly are friends and so he sends me his band’s page. I haven't seen Brett in almost two years now.  Wow, I certainly have heard him though.

To me this is what I thought upon first listen of this fresh EP that had me aghast that Seattle created this and that  the ever grey rain DOES have a purpose.  I wrote in my notebook after the first listen through:

Yet to Be might yet to be famous (I'm so funny),  but if you can imagine for a minute a young Muddy Waters deciding to take a great hit of Incu-Can-abis (Incubus) then imagine the possibilities of what's Yet To Be can be and is: Bringing a rock n roll that EVERYONE can fall in love with. Got Blues? Check Got Classic rock? Check Prog rock roots? Check Jazz? Check. Oh and quite frankly, do they rock? Check.

I went back this past month to give their debut EP another listen and listen and listen. Here’s what I discovered from their Farewell EP. (Fitting title considering this band isn’t saying goodbye but putting it ‘all on the line’.)

1.)    Think and Breathe- Yet To Be’s EP starts with a guitar progression that Television’s Tom Verlaine via Marquee Moon would be proud of. The rhythm section of bass player  Stevie Nix Nicholson and drummer William Richards comes in with a shuffle following a croon so on point with lyrics that, well, (read the title). Singer Samuel Shaefer can breathe, and sing.  An ever so placed drum fill by Richards introduces an almost Johnny Cash session guitarist like break by guitarist Brett Hulet . A true opening track that leaves the listener asking what’s this band been through? The blues. The band sounds tight. You can tell they’ve played their instruments before. I can't tell by listening whether they are saying 'farewell' to an old sound, or goodbye to trying to be anything but themselves.

It's not Ginger Baker of Cream it's William Richards. I think it's him.

Cat can play.

2.)    Feed the Fire- The title of this track again is on point to what the music shows us from a band that wants everyone who loves rock n roll to know what’s up. Feed the Fire starts off to me like Metallica when they had balls and weren’t trying to be the San Francisco Orchestra (love you!) Richards hits his crash symbols and snare the same way Shaefer hits the notes that give rock n roll euphoria to every kid who knows the back stage bliss. I’m not sure if Shaefer is any relation to the Canadian band leader but like the famous Paul one, I’m now bald from his vocality to rock my hair off. A guitar and bass solo together? Who told this band they can be both Miles Davis, Incubus, the Stooges, and 70’s soul garage band in one song!? Hulet and Stevie Nix (Sounds like an attorney group (if lawyers rocked like this they wouldn’t have a bad name) play off each other finding the rhythm and giving up their peace offering to the gods of rock n’ roll.  

3.)    The River- Let me go down this one on a canoe that doesn’t need paddles but rather just care free worries and thoughts. So begins my mind as it sounds as if Guns N’ Roses Use Your Illusion meets the Foo Fighters meets, I don’t even know. Just listen to it and be transported ‘by the river.’ Perhaps Matt Foley, Chris Farley’s motivational speaker will be there to great you as it did my third eye thinking about what this song aspires to accomplish: Refection and redemption. The underdog of tight musicianship is the feel of Richards and Stevie Nix keeping it in check as the guitar works in and out of solos and rhythm. This is a river that gives it all. Pain, joy, suffering and good ole’ rock in roll. The 70’s Allman Brothers just exploded out of Seattle kids and met Mother Love Bone and early Pearl Jam! The vocals have a call and response with the rest of the band that makes you want to check your GPS to find this river. A guitar that screams for understanding, and a band that's pleading with you to meet them (you don't have to be thrice divorced) at this river. Honestly this song made me think of my childhood back in North East Ohio near the Cuyahoga River. That river, like this song caught on fire!

Brett Hulet ripping into a gut wrenching solo

4.)     Dice- At first listen I thought to myself this is a hidden of a gem Rolling Stones from the Some Girls LP. We have piano? We have reggae? Here the band brings in session player  Brent Henderson, who does a marvelous job show casing skill, restraint, and blend with the rest of the band. Moving his fingers like he didn’t forget his Seattle coffee order, Henderson, doing his best Herbie Hancock, goes up and down the piano with such grace.  Hulet gives  Bob Marley’s guitar an indie rock feel. Are you Feeling Kind of Blue, chest deep in Muddy Waters? So What! (jazz and blues references kids) Listen to Dice.

Smoothe.

Unlike the Stones, this song isn’t Tumbling Dice, but rather a dice that tells you to go for it. It knows where it’s going even if it doesn’t know.  The jazz, slightly funky rock blend here is precise. The Rhythm of all four members plays beautifully in synched with each other. It’s Yet to Be determined (ok I lied two puns) if these guys are secretly talking with Miles Davis in rock n roll heaven about what he would sound like if he wanted to add guitars and vocals but I’m keeping an eye on them! As should you. “You got to roll the dice, lay it on the line.” Luckily, I can press play and lay down on the ground; to enjoy this track. **Also when a band gives the bass player and drummer a funky spot in a song to show his skill, they kind of rock, soooooo**) Shaefer, Hulet, Stevie Nix, Richards and Henderson all blend with elegance. You can hear the fun and playfulness of the group in this track. Pretentiousness is something this band couldn't have if they tried. They come across like the Pixies, Bare Naked Ladies, Miles Davis and whatever band is Yet To Be (Ok, last pun I swear to God!)

5.)    Pull the Pin- What happens when you pull the pin? You hear the explosion that is this Farewell EP coming to life how they started this trip; with a bang!

This Mariner bobbled head wants you to 'think and breathe'

If there’s a theme with YET TO BE it’s you have to give life a chance even if you don’t know. Because the truth is you don’t. None of us do. Pull the Pin. Roll the Dice. Feed your fire, your desire. Reflect in your ‘river’ of all the mud, sweat, tears, laughter.

I give this EP a resounding 4.5 John Bonham fills out of 5. Why not perfect? Because it’s not a full length LP. That’s right, I want more.

Be on the lookout Seattle (and America) for this greater Seattle area band as they look to bring back the Wizard of rock n roll’ possibility to the Emerald City.  It’s a rock n roll that we ALL can enjoy.

Guilty party of musicians:
Samuel Shaefer (vocals)
Brett Hulet (Lead guitar, guitars and background vocals)
Stevie Nix (bass player, background vocals)
William Richards (drums)

Be on the lookout for Yet To Be's debut full length album 'Thick as Thieves' due out December 27th!

Search Yet To Be on Facebook

Seattle, if you want to check out YET TO BE here is a LIVE DATE coming up

--

Friday, November 25 at 6:30 PM - 9:30 PM at EL Corazon. Seattle

DOORS: 6:00 PM / SHOW: 6:30 PM
EL CORAZON
THIS EVENT IS ALL AGES
TICKETS $8.00 - $10.00

It's Holiday Season. It's the gift that keeps on giving. ROCK n ROLL