Merry Christmas Baby--"Seattle Grey" to "It's going to be ok"

Merry Christmas Baby

  I find it mildly comforting and fitting that the Seattle grey sky would match the decrepit, depressing, dark, (alliteration time) mood of holiday season shopping. The incessant reminder of the commercialization of a time for bonding and snow angels.

  And I blame my fellow Midwestern mannered transplants. What with our fake Christmas joviality and our intricately stocked endcaps in retail stores showing bright Christmas lights and Santa Claus fixtures a week before Halloween.

   "Hi, I'm looking for a young ghost costume for my young so----"

   "No you're not. You're looking for Santa Claus!!! Right this way. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Mas Christ!"

  I digress.

  The war on Christmas, much like the War on Terror are unwinnable for the same reasons. Just like there will always be terrorists, there will always be self-loathing, self-serving ice cream, (no) 'Christians' who want to make it all about them, I mean (CHRIST)

  No please continue. Yes, tell me again about the poor carpenter who spoke modestly about not praying in public and being 'that guy' everyone knows who's like,

  "look at me, look at me!"

  "Jeff we see you, put the gun down!"

 It seems to me that if we wanted to truly celebrate the birth of Jesus we would most likely want to give all of our possessions to the poor this 'holiday season' and/or take in a homeless person. You know, like he said?

 "Honey, who is this Jerome guy and why does he smell like plastic burning?

 "Jesus Christ honey, this Jesus guy said to obtain eternal salvation we need to smell this shit."

 "Ok. Yeah uh, can we uh buy that eye of the needle that fits the camel through it?! I saw it on sale on Amazon. Done. Ordered!"

  Yes around this time, not even into December officially yet, we begin to hear the holiday songs on the radio reminding us why we didn't upgrade our 3,000 car we bought 5 years ago after almost dying in Nebraska in inclement weather and get a cd player.  You know that?

  I digress.

  The worst is the radio commercials:

"Give her the gift that warms her heart each and every year. He went to Jarred. He went to Tiffany's. He went to Fred Myer."

 "Oh really now? He went to Fred Myer for jewelry?! Ok. Remind me to go to a Klan meeting to read Why the Caged Bird Sings. Don't break the bank at Fred Myer jewelry there buddy. And while you're at it can you pick up bread and cucumbers. They're on sale. Thanks."

  I used to be engaged to the idea of Christmas. I still am. But it was an amicable divorce, a split if you will some time back when I realized there was a war on Christmas!

  And Seattle is ground zero for hedonistically heroically hominins of attacks (alliteration, improper use of words)

  These people say 'Happy Holidays' as if 'All Holidays Matter."

  No. I'm sorry, but no they don't. Black Friday's Matter! Black Friday's Matter!

  Remember the birth of Christ? Neither do I. I was waaaaay to young.

  Fox news needs to get into the trenches. I can't do it alone out here in the greater Seattle area. I feel like Katness Everdeen minus the ability to use a bow and arrow and survive my 'hunger games.'

  My wife makes the best holiday food there is and my weight will continue to rise like the 520 bridge toll.

  We need to take back the holiday to reflect the true values of Jesus the man, the myth, the legend!

  He walked on water. We can drive on the 520 bridge (not without intermittent breaks of our car. It's the coffee what is it?)

  He was a carpenter. We need to breed creativity in the Seattle streets for young kids to fashion 'Merry Christmas" welcome signs.

  This Happy Holiday bullshit just needs to stop. It's CHRIST-MAS. More Christ, less Helll-I-Day.
  (Did you see what I did back there? Es funny)

  But I digress.

  Look, my wife and I decided to celebrate this years holiday season by watching our Netflix que to see where it takes us. As for gifts, together with friends we will combine my birthday near Christmas (THANKS MOM AND DAD!) with a FRIENDSMAS. It's going to be fun. It will be magical. Mexico is going to pay for it!

 I've decided that no Christmas music will survive my musical ear this holiday season. I'm sorry Bing Crosby. (tears)

.

"I'm from Ohio! It's in me! Oh...Hi...Oh, I'd be happy to tell you about the greater Cleveland area!"


 I do have an exception. This live rendition that I remember seeing as a small child still gives me hope in the fat white guy dropping socialism to the masses down chimneys all throughout America and parts unknown.

BRUUUUUUCE-----The E street Band may have some answers to your holiday blues.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Survive the Seattle Grey Skies. And if you're feeling down and out and need someone to talk to every little call helps: help

Because it could be worse. You could be randomly shot in Cleveland. Hmmm, on second thought you can live in Cleveland?

296 Days Sober