2016-The Interview-An Exclusive Look At.........

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(12/29/2016 at 07:35am PST an interview in a local bar.)

*Not a 'whites only MRA' meeting.

"Pssst....So it's me 2016. I don't know why everyone is freaking out. We're all going to die, but I was summoned to speak on this kid's blog and he has one 'Make a comic wanabe wish' so I will roast soon enough with this kid. He promised me good publicity so..... Look I'm sorry. I, I never wanted things to end up this way but I'm just a year people. Things happen in me. You think I'm bad did you see my cousins 2001 and 2010? Talk about a bad act! I mean Jesus, even when I talk to him year one looks great in comparison! Oh shit, here he comes to ask his 'great' questions...."

Jack: Hello and welcome 2016, thanks for agreeing to this interview.

2016 takes a long drag off a long cigarette.

2016: Free publicity pal.

2016 puts out the cigarette and immediately lights a longer cigarette.

Jack: Right off the bat, I want to ask you. How are you holding up lately?

2016: I mean I'm doing as well as I can for a year that's going to die in three days, you know?

Jack: I don't know, care to expand on that?

2016 puts out cigarette and grabs pipe and loads it with crack. Takes a long hit.

2016: You mind?

Jack: Me casa es su casa.

2016: About that buddy. You don't have any controversy in this house, what gives?

Jack: I'd like to respectfully of course bring the focus back to you if we could. What's controversial about speaking Spanish in cliché form?

2016 pulls out a picture to show me sobriety.

                                         

2016: This upsets you doesn't it?

I stare blankly at 2016.

Jack: Ok 2016 I was polite enough to grant you this interview can you just hold on with the photos?

2016 begins to move his head left and right on a swivel intermittingly taking whippets and injecting heroin into its veins.

2016: When you reached my age kid, you don't care anymore. Look, you see this picture?

2016 pulls from his pocket a picture.

-Jack: You're saying you started the year off as Donnie Osmond?

2016: Who didn't? Look, you Americans think it's all about you. Oh, we didn't get universal health care and we're going to cry and......

Jack: Can I stop you for a second? I wanted you to be allowed to speak without

2016: Time!

Jack: What?

2016: You wanted to stop me for a second. It's been two.

Jack: Ok look, I know you don't have much time and each second is valuable to you.

2016 looks pontific

2016: Do you though? Do you really know? Do you know what it's like to be raised in the 21st century family? Having to hear stories and songs about '1999' and the 'New Millenium'? Yeah...Yeah, I got upset.

2016 begins to cry and puts down the drugs and starts vaping.

Jack: Look, I didn't want to be perceived as attacking you I just had some questions for you.

2016 crying

2016: I tried you know? I tried to hold it together. David Bowie was not even me! Look to my great great great grandparents the 70's for that!

Crying even louder.

Jack: People are just upset you know?

2016: Oh yeah, of course. I mean let's blame it on the even years right? I mean look I know you got shot in 10' and for some odd reason you started stand up this year. Don't you FEEL responsible in any way?! Yeah, I know things.

Jack: Actually, while not a fun experience, getting shot WAS kind of a wake up call so it wasn't entirely all bad.

2016: And the stand up?

Jack: Touche.

2016, gaining confidence, stops crying and begins to do a line of cocaine.

Jack: Where did you even get that?

2016: This is America right? You want a bump.

Jack: I don't. I have coffee I'm good.

2016: Eh whatever floats your tiny boat. Me? I don't care. I see you gave up drinking earlier this year too.

Jack: Not coffee and water though.

2016: Please with the dumb jokes, ok kid?

2016 drops 10 hits of acid.

Jack: Ok, back to this year in review. Care to explain American politics.

2016: No.

Jack: Why?

2016: I'm just being honest.

Jack: And I appreciate that 2016 but I was hoping you'd elabora--

2016: Hey, hey kid!

2016 leans in

2016: Like a Mormon teen practicing sexual abstinence, I don't 'give a fuck' ok?

Jack: Ok well now you're just plagiarizing a rap song I can't think of.

2016: You know what I learned kid?

2016 takes about twenty seconds to pause think, and take 6 consecutive shots of Jack Daniels neat.

2016: Nobody remembers the good, only the bad in a year. The truth is....

2016 excuses himself to vomit on the floor.

2016: Where were we?

Jack: You were reaching an epiphany of some type of dramatic arc in an horrible interview.

2016: Right.

2016 begins to take 10 pills of ecstasy washed down with a gallon of absinthe.

2016: The truth is. The world as is, is chaos.

2016 starts twirling in circles.

Jack: Chaos? How do you explain then the growin----

::CRASH SOUND::

2016 has broken the Ikea furniture
He slowly get up and composes himself and sits down.

2016: Sorry about that. Where was I?

Jack: You were talking about the world is chaos.

2016: Right. I-I.....oh here it is.

2016 takes out a gun and lays it on the table.

Jack: 2016 I'm going to have to end this interview please. I told your publicist, Kellyanne Conway no weapons please.

2016: No, no, no. You're misunderstanding me kid. This isn't for me. I've been listening to Dylan lately and that mother fucker is immortal. Put these to ground please. And for the love of God, please enough with the stand up?

Jack takes hit off of a balloon for helium voice and jumps off stage to startle a sweet old man.

Jack: No.

And with that 2016 goes to Heaven with all dogs and people who we lost in 2016 and 2017 enters the room.

2017: SURPRISE!

2016 reconsiders and shoots 2017 in the head.

2017: Well, this must be the place?