Sobriety (Because you can't spell sobriety without 'brie', a soft cow's milk cheese......mmmmmmmmm)

Me at a John Lennon/Yoko Ono art gallery in the Amsterdam Hilton in (surprise, surprise) Amsterdam.

2007?

SOBRIETY
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam (Look I know Latin!)

(The following words that proceed these tiny words are what was suppose to be my set list for my second ever stand up routine  but ended being scrapped in favor of my impromptu ramblings on of how Cleveland Sports are the best thing ever to have happened to the city of Cleveland and perhaps the world.

And I'm sober.

Some things are better tried when learned, and rehearsed and not done two days beforehand with no coffee. I decided to scrap this altogether and perhaps at 500 days I'll rework it in.  As is with stand up. Practice. Practice. Practice. The following words that proceed these words are so tiny that if you can read this congratulations you don't need glasses.) 

This is for anyone struggling with addiction. If you can read this. I'm always (**always subject to terms and conditions of hour in the day**) here to listen and offer an ear. Not this comedy (Yeah....comedy....that's what we will call it) .

My sobriety story.

What a title huh? Nothing reals em' in more like talking about how you decided to no longer be the life of the party but rather the punter of the football team. That's right. Make fun of the designated driver all you want but someone has to keep you safe and give you better field position or in the real case, safe your drunk ass! Sometimes on fourth and two more beers you have to just stop and consider the special teams. My problem was always that nine out of the ten or so  times I did bring on the field goal unit or kicker to 'pass' the night away, but that one time. That one time could be disastrous. And I had so many 'one times'.  My playbook was never fully prudent, although I always had the tools at my disposal.  Does anyone here remember the end of Superbowl 49?  

Respect the punter. Be more like the punter.

Be Jon Ryan.

I'm 227 days sober today. (thank you, thank you) That's right. 227 days without having any friends. I'm of course kidding. I didn't have friends before the 227 days it's just a little mantra I'm telling my inner child to continue the discourse to stay on course. That's to be myself, in the moment, and not to find alternate realities, but to safely find alternate routes on my GPS of how I can get somewhere 5 minutes slower?! Thanks GPS. You have the mindset of me driving to my first ever date as a 16 year old pimply nervous wreck.

GPS VOICE: "Jack are you sure you want to pick her up now? I have a route that's 6 minutes slower if you want to reconsider this?

I digress.

No I have friends. Rather, I have people in life that support my decisions to better myself. I fancy myself feeling in sobriety the same way a young Kurt Cobain might have when he penned the song lithium knowing full well that his friends are in his head, and I feel you Kurt. I have about twenty one friends in my head and at times they can tell me,

"Yeah, yeah yeah, congratulations on sobriety but just one wouldn't kill you would it?"

Well........

Only with alcohol would mainstream America allow for 'just one.' No normal Joe or Jane going to a Sounders game thinks to themselves and says to others,

"Ok honey, I have the sandwiches packed, the baby is with your Mom and Dad. Am I forgetting anything?"

"Honey want a quick fix of this Peruvian black tar heroin?"

"Jeff! Twist my arm! One sec, let me get the syringe from the baby's cabinet."

But with alcohol it's an entirely different conversation. One that, for me, just one can turn into just one more, and just one more, and one more, and one more, and one more.............But it's ok. I have everything under control.

Yeah, like me telling my college counselor year six of getting my associates degree,

"Hey, hey...I know you have your 'masters and PHD and all' but....relax.... I GOT THIS."

I'm from Northeast Ohio and grew up not far from where A.A was founded, Akron.

True Fact: The house where AA was founded in Akron has 12 steps leading up to it

Akron is an interesting place when I consider the act of drinking. Some of us are like Akron native Lebron James when we drink; we become exciting, exotic, we are in a Trainwreck, and can play basketball? No.No.No. I mean we are in control?

Still, other's are like Akron native (Bath to be specific but hey it's practically the rural side of Akron)  Jeffrey Dahmer when we drink; We are completely out of control. We eat our friends as we become a notorious serial killer. And we become a recluse living in Milwakuee and probably drinking the 'beast' as the beast inside of us grows and grows.

"I'm sorry Captain Crunch, you taste so delicious!"

And while not in the program personally I respect AA and those who find guidance in it. It's a great program for those who use it and need it.

A great place to start

To me though, it's not for me because AA has steps. I'm more of an elevator guy.

My problem is that as someone who starts off on the ground level of their sobriety and wants to go higher into it (like Sly and the Family Stone), my elevator technician was nowhere to be found.

**Entering Elevator**

**Elevator robot voice**

"Welcome. Choose floor please."

**Pushing Floor 1**

**Elevator robot voice**

"Garage Level. Thank you."

Me: " No, I wanted floor one of sobriety please."

**Elevator robot voice**

"Garage Level. You will ignore your own judgment and prudence you were taught and opt for dancing on bars heavily intoxicated and confusing joviality with being an asshole. You may be asked to leave said bars and get out of two DUI's sobering up to police officers that have pulled you over. Take all the time on this floor to learn."

Me: "Ok, I'm getting a little impatient here. Can we get this fixed. Floor 1 please!"

**Pushing Floor 1. Doors close**

Elevator Voice: "P1 level"

Me: "Oh Christ. Again?"

Elevator Voice: "P1 Level. You will not learn from four years of random acts of drinking heavily and finally come to terms as 400 feet from your home you will decide, "Sure, lets shake the cop behind us in a small rural community" as you get arrested for a DUI. You may also pee your pants while in the back of a cruiser quoting the Declaration of Independence. "I hold this truth to be self evident. That you should reconsider your behavior, actions and shut the F floor up when speaking."

Me: "You know, for an elevator robot voice you sure say a lot. FIRST FLOOR PLEASE."

**Pushing Floor 1 obsessively**

Elevator Voice: "P2 level. P2 Level. Here you will be randomly shot by an East Cleveland Gang after a night of drinking. While not caused directly by your drinking you will, in an attempt to 'keep the buzz alive' not end the night at 1am. No. That would be to Amish. And you're not Amish are you? Of course not. You can't build good homes."

Me:" Ok! Ok! I get it."

Elevator Voice: "Do you? P3 Level....."

You get the point.

So I quit. Cold turkey. I know I can do it. I'm in the best mind set that I've ever been in my life and have a great support team.

I gave it an end when Peyton Manning called it a career. That's right. The day after Superbowl 50. I decided when Peyton Manning said he was going to have a bud light after winning his second Superbowl to pack it in and consider sobriety as a serious option here.

Hey I may even consider doing commericals now to and make some extra income.

**HUMMING COMMERCIAL**

"Nation Wide is on your side. Nothing beats that new car smell. Not drinking anymore alleviates many fears, that of which is when I'm driving at night I no longer fear police. I'm just kidding I know I'm white....ba da da da da da da."

February 8, 2016 is my start date. My rebirth if you will.

I like that I have an application on my phone that shows me the date of when I started my sobriety. But it doesn't stop there. It proceeds to tell me the weeks, months, years ahead. Not enough for me to remember? I'm in luck. It will show me hours, minutes and seconds.

Currently as I write this I've been 19,636,757 seconds free of booze.....758,759,760........

I feel college bros created this app as a way to have fun with their 'weekend sobriety' as they take it as seriously as those 'alleged rape' allegations that were so frosh year for them.

For the record not suggesting 'GRONK' raped anybody but does anyone doubt this guy isn't a bro? I wish he was on the Browns. Of course, I wish anyone other then the Browns were on the Browns.

"Brah,  let's just wait a week if we can because pretty soon we can have it at 666 hours and screen grab it and it will be like the sign of the devil brah!"

Passerby says:

"You guys know that 666 hours translates to almost 28 days right? That's 4 weeks."

"Shut up you PUNTER!"

I'm glad I've found the fun in being a punter. Of being on the team of life and not needing to no longer 'score' or create 'fantasy points.' The punter has a long career and gets paid a livable wage. There's nothing wrong with punting the ball. There's absolutely nothing wrong with considering a sober lifestyle. And it's not boring. It's anything but. The punter is the most important player on the football team and the smartest. He (or she) will almost never have a concussion and if they do, it's because the offensive line couldn't hold their liquor! We need more punters in this world. Somebody has to be able to punt supplies over the wall during the pending Zombie Apocalypse to other camps. I've given this thought and once the bullets and guns run out

(Jack, Jack this is AMERICA they will never RUN OUT!)

True. But a swift kick in the face by a Punter will help you out. Or for me, buckshot penetrating my upper torso wasn't even enough of a swift kick.

I had to consider myself. My well being. My best self. My family. And most of all my wife and baby.

I wish everyone my love as they pursue their goals or pathways to sobriety. In the meantime I will consider the life of Ray Guy.

Ray Guy. First Punter inducted into Canton.

(Because they're all drunk in Canton and if he can do it, there's hope for us all)

"Today's the day"-Rodman

To my cool older cousin (I have a lot of those on both sides of the family) Brian Hess for showing me at the earliest of ages that being sober is cool. He's the epitome of it.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam
(Some Jesuit talk)