"Well uh ::breathing hard:: Let me see here. ::cough:: ::cough:: ::clears throat:: ::spits:: uh. Unchained Melody lets do ::cough cough:: ok seriously, why am I not getting rest?"
Viva Las Vegas-Turning Elvis into Carbohydrates?
(I once sang this song for a friend's band)
Viva Las Vegas!
(I once sang this song for a friend's band)
Viva Las Vegas!
Paul Simon sang about Elvis's home and I just got back from recently visiting what killed him, Vegas......or.......
carbs?
I was there for all the right reasons, i.e. my wife's joys. Her women's barbershop chorus was competing at internationals and so I joined her at the opportunity to support her and have an awesome vacation with her. They sounded great and were definitely the highlight of a very fascinating trip. My first trip to Las Vegas with no Fear and Loathing.
We left the day before the anticipated 'typhoon of the century!' was to hit Seattle.
Yeah, we made it out. I updated my Facebook status:
"Vegas Bitches!!! I hope the only storm you see is dribbling a basketball. Dueces!"
I digress.
So we get there. Now keep in mind, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't smoke. I'm the perfect 'hat trick' of no fun. Ah ha, but at least I'm a Stooges song! (nuck, nuck, nuck,)
I feel like the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire of the interviewing process with Mirana Hillard (Sally Field) and I'm the old ornery women being interviewed.
"I don't do stories, I don't do baths, I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't sew. I don't do kids."
"You ate my BIGOLIAS!"
When not with my wife watching her sing I would venture off casino to casino people watching and writing down little notes in my 'comedy notebook'. (Such a great title)
I had fun. At times walking the strip at night I felt a little out of place. Yes, like Donald Trump running for President of The United States I knew I'd have to just make shit up on the fly.
I got my exercise walking in and out of hotels and casinos pretending I was Don Rickles in Casino and looking like Rusty in Vegas Vacation, i.e. a noob.
(Passing a black jack table sipping a Shirley Temple)
"Hit me!"
Man at table to Dealer: "I didn't say that!"
Dealer flips over an 8 card for man at table to his already 18: "Bust"
Man at table: "Who....what?!? Who said this?"
Dealer flips over a 5 card to his 3.
Dealer: I win. You lose.
Me: Who did say that? What an asshole.
One thing I noticed right out of the gate is that the airport in Vegas has gambling machines everywhere. Like they don't even waste time for you to spend and lose your money. They hit you right out in the open. And right after you broke that 50 for a bag of peanuts on the plane.
"Hey, welcome! You've been cramped up in an overcrowded airplane for a couple of hours come now and waste your money here at the Wheel of Fortune slots!!! Why? Vegas baby!"
Later perusing the Casino floors like a sober Johnny Depp I noticed they commercialize everything into gambling games (America eh? NOOO you don't say!)
They had a Walking Dead, Rolling Stones, Brittney Spears, House of Cards, Big Bang Theory (to name just a few) slot games.
It wasn't until maybe the third night walking the strip I noticed something that I was previously oblivious to. People bring their babies to Vegas? huh.....
I saw more babies then I did woo boys and girls and people carrying alcoholic beverages. At first maybe I was judging to harshly but the looks on these malfeasant little four year old kids had the perfect Vegas expression. They were whipped.
I thought the kids lost THEIR life savings.
This one kind who looked to be about 8 in a stroller gave me this look passing Brad Garrett's comedy club at the MGM with the face of defeat at 65 like,
"Dude, you have no idea. Always bet on black on those roulette tables bro. I dropped a good C note on blackjack and I may not be 21 but I doubled my money hitting it Jack."
How did he know my name?
Still another baby gave me the more astute serious look.
"Listen here. Don't ever bet your daycare money on these penny slots buddy. I woke up the next morning breast milk all over my face and it was just depressing. My parents couldn't take me to the 99 cent McDonald's menu for breakfast."
They have 99 cent breakfast in Vegas?
I digress.
They did however have an In and Out Burger. I had never been so my wife and friends walked what felt like 67 miles (in reality 2) to what looked like a 500 feet walk. It ended up being an eternity because in Vegas they don't make the sidewalks accessible for human beings. They want you to cab it everywhere you go.
Get a hotel on the Strip and walk to the In and Out Burger on Dean Martin Ave. and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You see it. You want to get there. "Oh this will be easy", you say. Lies. All lies.
(I realize I'm officially old at 32 complaining about walking to get greasy spoon ecstasy)
The food was phenomenal! I give it 5 out of 5 Old Elvis carbohydrates.
My favorite stupid joke I came up with walking Vegas was to (if I had the time) to walk into city hall and ask if I could talk with Meyer Lansky. (but they would hear Mayor Lansky) To which, in my delight, they would correct me and say,
"Sir, I'm sorry the mayor's name is Carolyn Goodman."
(rim shot!) Nothing like a great mafia reference nobody but me and older folks know!
COMEDY!!
We checked out Freemont street and did the famous, awesome, amazing SLOTZILLA zip line which you fly like Peter Pan (please explain what flying is) which was the coolest thing on that strip since U2's 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' video. ::Sighs:: What a long title to type for a song Bono and company. Why not title the song 'Searching?'
Easy.
My wife teased me before hand jokingly because I insisted on wearing a suit and tie to Vegas. Call me old fashioned (Not the racist kind) but my dreams of Vegas as a small kid in the early 90's (not 50's mind you) was the mob invested, district 1 wearing classy, elegant, (insert adjectives I've yet to discover) world of endless fun.
Yeah, my wife, per yewsh, is right. Nobody dresses up for Vegas, and if they do, they're in some business meeting most likely begging for money as they run for office. Or they're a show girl or boy. I was neither. I was on vacation. A vacation from being Amish as I saw more lights then my getting shot experience! It was pure heaven.
Our first night was a great date night walking the Strip and getting a nice meal. I understand as someone with self diagnosed ADHD how Vegas 'reals' you in.
FLASHING, LIGHTS LIGHTS
Day four saw me running in a dry heat off the Strip to get exercise. That was fun. Getting to the Thomas and Mack Center about a mile and half off the Strip only to be asked by a security guard what my intentions were in trying to see the pre-debate media tent.
"You plan on protesting? Are you another one of those HARD COPY guys???"
"No sir, I'm just a Huge Finkle fan."
"I'm sorry you have to have access to get behind these ropes."
(there's no ropes and I'm 1,000 yards from the center)
"Ok, so how do I get on t.v?"
"I don't know, maybe try and be a comedian?"
::thinks about it, shrugs, turns around smiling and running::
Give me a break.
So I ran to where 2pac was shot. There wasn't a memorial or any makeshift one in remembrance of him but the lady at the gas station working register knew exactly who 'pac' was as she told me people bring flowers all the time. That sounded nice.
It's a shame he had to go out Moe Greene style.
It also made me wonder how someone could get shot like this and their assailant got away?
I mean it happened to me getting shot but I wasn't famous like 2Pac.
The week seemed to go by fast and slow at the same time as contradictory as this sentence is.
The pool was insane. All these people tanning and nobody in a crowded area getting into the water. Was the mayor of the town in Jaws there?
I got into the water reluctantly and showed people I was boss. I did about four laps in the Olympic size swimming pool and I was spent!
The best part of Vegas, besides spending a good amount of time with my lovely wife was the people watching and not wasting money I didn't have on gambling.
Yeah, Dad here couldn't even be a stereotypical father who blew the families' nest egg. I need to find a chicken first.
All in all Vegas was a great experience and when I go back it will definitely be to explore the outer realm of it. Camp, hike, avoid the mob's murder scenes, and find Jimmy Hoffa!
VIVA LAS VEGAS. And Save Your Money And EXPLORE!!!
We left the day before the anticipated 'typhoon of the century!' was to hit Seattle.
Yeah, we made it out. I updated my Facebook status:
"Vegas Bitches!!! I hope the only storm you see is dribbling a basketball. Dueces!"
I digress.
So we get there. Now keep in mind, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't smoke. I'm the perfect 'hat trick' of no fun. Ah ha, but at least I'm a Stooges song! (nuck, nuck, nuck,)
I feel like the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire of the interviewing process with Mirana Hillard (Sally Field) and I'm the old ornery women being interviewed.
"I don't do stories, I don't do baths, I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't sew. I don't do kids."
"You ate my BIGOLIAS!"
When not with my wife watching her sing I would venture off casino to casino people watching and writing down little notes in my 'comedy notebook'. (Such a great title)
I had fun. At times walking the strip at night I felt a little out of place. Yes, like Donald Trump running for President of The United States I knew I'd have to just make shit up on the fly.
I got my exercise walking in and out of hotels and casinos pretending I was Don Rickles in Casino and looking like Rusty in Vegas Vacation, i.e. a noob.
"What are you looking at ya hockey puck?!?!?!" (wrong movie)
(Passing a black jack table sipping a Shirley Temple)
"Hit me!"
Man at table to Dealer: "I didn't say that!"
Dealer flips over an 8 card for man at table to his already 18: "Bust"
Man at table: "Who....what?!? Who said this?"
Dealer flips over a 5 card to his 3.
Dealer: I win. You lose.
Me: Who did say that? What an asshole.
One thing I noticed right out of the gate is that the airport in Vegas has gambling machines everywhere. Like they don't even waste time for you to spend and lose your money. They hit you right out in the open. And right after you broke that 50 for a bag of peanuts on the plane.
"Hey, welcome! You've been cramped up in an overcrowded airplane for a couple of hours come now and waste your money here at the Wheel of Fortune slots!!! Why? Vegas baby!"
Later perusing the Casino floors like a sober Johnny Depp I noticed they commercialize everything into gambling games (America eh? NOOO you don't say!)
They had a Walking Dead, Rolling Stones, Brittney Spears, House of Cards, Big Bang Theory (to name just a few) slot games.
I saw more babies then I did woo boys and girls and people carrying alcoholic beverages. At first maybe I was judging to harshly but the looks on these malfeasant little four year old kids had the perfect Vegas expression. They were whipped.
I thought the kids lost THEIR life savings.
This one kind who looked to be about 8 in a stroller gave me this look passing Brad Garrett's comedy club at the MGM with the face of defeat at 65 like,
"I call bullshit. I see your 30k and raise you 50."
"Dude, you have no idea. Always bet on black on those roulette tables bro. I dropped a good C note on blackjack and I may not be 21 but I doubled my money hitting it Jack."
How did he know my name?
Still another baby gave me the more astute serious look.
"Listen here. Don't ever bet your daycare money on these penny slots buddy. I woke up the next morning breast milk all over my face and it was just depressing. My parents couldn't take me to the 99 cent McDonald's menu for breakfast."
They have 99 cent breakfast in Vegas?
I digress.
They did however have an In and Out Burger. I had never been so my wife and friends walked what felt like 67 miles (in reality 2) to what looked like a 500 feet walk. It ended up being an eternity because in Vegas they don't make the sidewalks accessible for human beings. They want you to cab it everywhere you go.
Get a hotel on the Strip and walk to the In and Out Burger on Dean Martin Ave. and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You see it. You want to get there. "Oh this will be easy", you say. Lies. All lies.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha......You walk. You walk to 'in and out'."
(I realize I'm officially old at 32 complaining about walking to get greasy spoon ecstasy)
The food was phenomenal! I give it 5 out of 5 Old Elvis carbohydrates.
My favorite stupid joke I came up with walking Vegas was to (if I had the time) to walk into city hall and ask if I could talk with Meyer Lansky. (but they would hear Mayor Lansky) To which, in my delight, they would correct me and say,
"Sir, I'm sorry the mayor's name is Carolyn Goodman."
(rim shot!) Nothing like a great mafia reference nobody but me and older folks know!
COMEDY!!
We checked out Freemont street and did the famous, awesome, amazing SLOTZILLA zip line which you fly like Peter Pan (please explain what flying is) which was the coolest thing on that strip since U2's 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' video. ::Sighs:: What a long title to type for a song Bono and company. Why not title the song 'Searching?'
Easy.
My wife teased me before hand jokingly because I insisted on wearing a suit and tie to Vegas. Call me old fashioned (Not the racist kind) but my dreams of Vegas as a small kid in the early 90's (not 50's mind you) was the mob invested, district 1 wearing classy, elegant, (insert adjectives I've yet to discover) world of endless fun.
Yeah, my wife, per yewsh, is right. Nobody dresses up for Vegas, and if they do, they're in some business meeting most likely begging for money as they run for office. Or they're a show girl or boy. I was neither. I was on vacation. A vacation from being Amish as I saw more lights then my getting shot experience! It was pure heaven.
Our first night was a great date night walking the Strip and getting a nice meal. I understand as someone with self diagnosed ADHD how Vegas 'reals' you in.
FLASHING, LIGHTS LIGHTS
Day four saw me running in a dry heat off the Strip to get exercise. That was fun. Getting to the Thomas and Mack Center about a mile and half off the Strip only to be asked by a security guard what my intentions were in trying to see the pre-debate media tent.
"You plan on protesting? Are you another one of those HARD COPY guys???"
"No sir, I'm just a Huge Finkle fan."
"I'm sorry you have to have access to get behind these ropes."
(there's no ropes and I'm 1,000 yards from the center)
"Ok, so how do I get on t.v?"
"I don't know, maybe try and be a comedian?"
::thinks about it, shrugs, turns around smiling and running::
Give me a break.
So I ran to where 2pac was shot. There wasn't a memorial or any makeshift one in remembrance of him but the lady at the gas station working register knew exactly who 'pac' was as she told me people bring flowers all the time. That sounded nice.
It's a shame he had to go out Moe Greene style.
"I have a business to run. I TALKED to BARZINI!"
It also made me wonder how someone could get shot like this and their assailant got away?
I mean it happened to me getting shot but I wasn't famous like 2Pac.
The week seemed to go by fast and slow at the same time as contradictory as this sentence is.
The pool was insane. All these people tanning and nobody in a crowded area getting into the water. Was the mayor of the town in Jaws there?
I got into the water reluctantly and showed people I was boss. I did about four laps in the Olympic size swimming pool and I was spent!
The best part of Vegas, besides spending a good amount of time with my lovely wife was the people watching and not wasting money I didn't have on gambling.
Yeah, Dad here couldn't even be a stereotypical father who blew the families' nest egg. I need to find a chicken first.
All in all Vegas was a great experience and when I go back it will definitely be to explore the outer realm of it. Camp, hike, avoid the mob's murder scenes, and find Jimmy Hoffa!
VIVA LAS VEGAS. And Save Your Money And EXPLORE!!!
"WOOOOOOOOOO"
The official Strip vernacular for "I'm having a good time that I will soon regret"
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