Seattle's Reoccurring Conversations

Reoccurring Seattle Conversation #1
Written by: Jack Gorbett

(The scene is an office kitchenette, early morning.)
                                     

Guy #1: It looks like a strong line coming in next week.

Guy #2: Are you kidding? We have had NO protection.

Guy #1: Yeah, well you can get a stronger umbrella.

Guy #2: Wait, what are you talking about?

Guy #1: Weather, what are you talking about?

Guy #2: Wether or not the Hawks are going to protect #3.

Guy #1: Well, Kshama Sawant isn't up for reelection this year and birds don't vote. Soooooo............

                                       

LAS VEGAS SOBER or Watching the Watchers (huh?) Exactly!

"Well uh ::breathing hard:: Let me see here. ::cough:: ::cough:: ::clears throat:: ::spits:: uh. Unchained Melody lets do ::cough cough:: ok seriously, why am I not getting rest?"

Viva Las Vegas-Turning Elvis into Carbohydrates?
(I once sang this song for a friend's band)
Viva Las Vegas!

 Paul Simon sang about Elvis's home and I just got back from recently visiting what killed him, Vegas......or.......

carbs?

I was there for all the right reasons, i.e. my wife's joys. Her women's barbershop chorus was competing at internationals and so I joined her at the opportunity to support her and have an awesome vacation with her. They sounded great and were definitely the highlight of a very fascinating trip. My first trip to Las Vegas with no Fear and Loathing.

 We left the day before the anticipated 'typhoon of the century!' was to hit Seattle.

Yeah, we made it out. I updated my Facebook status:

"Vegas Bitches!!! I hope the only storm you see is dribbling a basketball. Dueces!"

I digress.

So we get there. Now keep in mind, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't smoke. I'm the perfect 'hat trick' of no fun. Ah ha, but at least I'm a Stooges song! (nuck, nuck, nuck,)

No FUN!!!!!

I feel like the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire of the interviewing process with Mirana Hillard (Sally Field) and I'm the old ornery women being interviewed.

"I don't do stories, I don't do baths, I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't sew. I don't do kids."

"You ate my BIGOLIAS!"

When not with my wife watching her sing I would venture off casino to casino people watching and writing down little notes in my 'comedy notebook'. (Such a great title)



I had fun. At times walking the strip at night I felt a little out of place. Yes, like Donald Trump running for President of The United States I knew I'd have to just make shit up on the fly.

I got my exercise walking in and out of hotels and casinos pretending I was Don Rickles in Casino and looking like Rusty in Vegas Vacation, i.e. a noob.

"What are you looking at ya hockey puck?!?!?!" (wrong movie)

(Passing a black jack table sipping a Shirley Temple)

"Hit me!"

Man at table to Dealer: "I didn't say that!"
Dealer flips over an 8 card for man at table to his already 18: "Bust"
Man at table: "Who....what?!? Who said this?"
Dealer flips over a 5 card to his 3.
Dealer: I win. You lose.

Me: Who did say that? What an asshole.


One thing I noticed right out of the gate is that the airport in Vegas has gambling machines everywhere. Like they don't even waste time for you to spend and lose your money. They hit you right out in the open. And right after you broke that 50 for a bag of peanuts on the plane.

"Hey, welcome! You've been cramped up in an overcrowded airplane for a couple of hours come now and waste your money here at the Wheel of Fortune slots!!! Why? Vegas baby!"

Later perusing the Casino floors like a sober Johnny Depp I noticed they commercialize  everything into gambling games (America eh? NOOO you don't say!)

They had a Walking Dead, Rolling Stones, Brittney Spears, House of Cards, Big Bang Theory (to name just a few) slot games.

It wasn't until maybe the third night walking the strip I noticed something that I was previously oblivious to. People bring their babies to Vegas? huh.....

I saw more babies then I did woo boys and girls and people carrying alcoholic beverages. At first maybe I was judging to harshly but the looks on these malfeasant little four year old kids had the perfect Vegas expression. They were whipped.

I thought the kids lost THEIR life savings.

This one kind who looked to be about 8 in a stroller gave me this look passing Brad Garrett's comedy club at the MGM with the face of defeat at 65 like,

"I call bullshit. I see your 30k and raise you 50."

"Dude, you have no idea. Always bet on black on those roulette tables bro. I dropped a good C note on blackjack and I may not be 21 but I doubled my money hitting it Jack."

How did he know my name?

Still another baby gave me the more astute serious look.

"Listen here. Don't ever bet your daycare money on these penny slots buddy. I woke up the next morning breast milk all over my face and it was just depressing. My parents couldn't take me to the 99 cent McDonald's menu for breakfast."

They have 99 cent breakfast in Vegas?

I digress.

They did however have an In and Out Burger. I had never been so my wife and friends walked what felt like 67 miles (in reality 2) to what looked like a 500 feet walk. It ended up being an eternity because in Vegas they don't make the sidewalks accessible for human beings. They want you to cab it everywhere you go.

Get a hotel on the Strip and walk to the In and Out Burger on Dean Martin Ave. and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You see it. You want to get there. "Oh this will be easy", you say. Lies. All lies.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha......You walk. You walk to 'in and out'."

(I realize I'm officially old at 32 complaining about walking to get greasy spoon ecstasy)

The food was phenomenal! I give it 5 out of 5 Old Elvis carbohydrates.

My favorite stupid joke I came up with walking Vegas was to (if I had the time) to walk into city hall and ask if I could talk with Meyer Lansky. (but they would hear Mayor Lansky) To which, in my delight, they would correct me and say,

"Sir, I'm sorry the mayor's name is Carolyn Goodman."

(rim shot!) Nothing like a great mafia reference nobody but me and older folks know!

COMEDY!!

We checked out Freemont street and did the famous, awesome, amazing SLOTZILLA  zip line which you fly like Peter Pan (please explain what flying is)  which was the coolest thing on that strip since U2's 'Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' video. ::Sighs:: What a long title to type for a song Bono and company. Why not title the song 'Searching?'

Easy.

My wife teased me before hand jokingly because I insisted on wearing a suit and tie to Vegas. Call me old fashioned (Not the racist kind) but my dreams of Vegas as a small kid in the early 90's (not 50's mind you) was the mob invested, district 1 wearing classy, elegant, (insert adjectives I've yet to discover) world of endless fun.

Yeah, my wife, per yewsh, is right. Nobody dresses up for Vegas, and if they do, they're  in some business meeting most likely begging for money as they run for office. Or they're a show girl or boy. I was neither. I was on vacation. A vacation from being Amish as I saw more lights then my getting shot experience! It was pure heaven.

Our first night was a great date night walking the Strip and getting a nice meal. I understand as someone with self diagnosed ADHD how Vegas 'reals' you in.

FLASHING, LIGHTS LIGHTS

Day four saw me running in a dry heat off the Strip to get exercise. That was fun. Getting to the Thomas and Mack Center about a mile and half off the Strip  only to be asked by a security guard what my intentions were in trying to see the pre-debate media tent.

"You plan on protesting? Are you another one of those HARD COPY guys???"

"No sir, I'm just a Huge Finkle fan."

"I'm sorry you have to have access to get behind these ropes."

(there's no ropes and I'm 1,000 yards from the center)

"Ok, so how do I get on t.v?"

"I don't know, maybe try and be a comedian?"

::thinks about it, shrugs, turns around smiling and running::

Give me a break.

So I ran to where 2pac was shot. There wasn't a memorial or any makeshift one in remembrance of him but the lady at the gas station working register knew exactly who 'pac' was as she told me people bring flowers all the time. That sounded nice.

It's a shame he had to go out Moe Greene style.

"I have a business to run. I TALKED to BARZINI!"

It also made me wonder how someone could get shot like this and their assailant got away?
I mean it happened to me getting shot but I wasn't famous like 2Pac.


The week seemed to go by fast and slow at the same time as contradictory as this sentence is.

The pool was insane. All these people tanning and nobody in a crowded area getting into the water. Was the mayor of the town in Jaws there?

I got into the water reluctantly and showed people I was boss. I did about four laps in the Olympic size swimming pool and I was spent!

The best part of Vegas, besides spending a good amount of time with my lovely wife was the people watching and not wasting money I didn't have on gambling.

Yeah, Dad here couldn't even be a stereotypical father who blew the families' nest egg. I need to find a chicken first.

All in all Vegas was a great experience and when I go back it will definitely be to explore the outer realm of it. Camp, hike, avoid the mob's murder scenes, and find Jimmy Hoffa!


VIVA LAS VEGAS. And Save Your Money And EXPLORE!!!

"WOOOOOOOOOO"

The official Strip vernacular for "I'm having a good time that I will soon regret"

History (Like my scratched Poison album, it's bound to repeat itself) UGH!!!!

I love history.

And it feels good to be a part of it now. Especially with this election, where we find ourselves in our politics? Soon we will be history. That’s what they say right? How does that feel, to paraphrase Bob Dylan:

'To be on our own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, So Washington might as well be singing stoned ?

Well people who legitimately have something to lose if a man child who is every bad ‘ist’ there is becomes president have legitimate concern.

I’ll be ok. I’m a white man. The worst that can happen with me in this election is that I lose friends and when the SS. I mean the Team Trumps come to my door and say “DO YOU KNOW THEM?!?!?” I’ll do my best Peter disciple from the Bible impression and be like “Huh? I never saw them before in my life. They aren’t the good ones!!!!!!” (And Trumps Cock will crow 3 times)

Or.

If the internet goes out. Then and only then will I give a shit.

Seriously most people are upset with this notion of building a wall to keep people at bay but if Trump and others like him came out to say,

“Folk, look. Terror is up. Morale is down. ISIS. ISIS. They’re recruiting on the internet. We have to shut it down!”

White people would line up to vote faster than  the first season of American Idol. (JUSTIN YOU SHOULD HAVE WON!!!!)

They say history is written by the winners. But if Trump were to become president you can legitimately say a BIG WHINEY LOSER wrote history.

People say it's the end every four years,  that it’s the SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE. Trump is the Sign of the Apocalypse

Perhaps.

Everyone’s got their own sign of the apocalypse though. 

 What I think is the SIGN OF MY APOCALYPSE is that I’ve realized that I have over 350 friends on Facebook and maybe 2 friends in real life. 3 on a good day. 3 if I pick up my phone. And I’m ok with that. And I don’t include my wife in that list ok? You hear these people “I married my best friend.” “My wife or my husband is my best friend.” Bullshit. That’s great for you, but when I was a young little malfeasant pimply misogynisticly  inclined piece of dog shit  I used to egg houses with my friends, prank businesses using the yellow pages, and brag about what sex I was getting if my hand to dick was actually fucking Selma Hayek . I don’t do that with my wife. I like having a wife. I don’t say things like, “Hey honey, look! The shit I took looks like Kramer from Seinfeld!”

I digress.

HISTORY!

We take it out of context, history. Any type of history. I love musical history.  And in this new culture we find ourselves in where facts are a thing of the past (hey kind of like history!)  I’m waiting for the moment were I read about a GUN SHOW that includes a John Lennon inspired Glock 9MM with the slogan “GIVE THIS PIECE A CHANCE’. Yeah They’d be playing Happiness is a Warm Gun And if you act now the makers will autograph a copy of Catcher In the Rye. Give me a break! And while you’re at it I will have a Kit-Kat bar!

.......give me a break.

Or Martin Luther King Jr. As a child we read about Dr. King the same way you learn about the Beatles as a kid. Dr. King had a dream. The Beatles were on Ed Sullivan. For both analogies pay no more attention to what they did after!

Cue Leslie Nielsen: “Nothing to see here! Please disperse! Nothing to see here!”

(Kid raising his hand): “Well before he organized one of the largest bus boycotts and after he went after the US for their involvement in Vietnam and didn’t he die protesting workers rights, to be specific sanitation workers rights in Memphis? This kind of pissed off liberals and conservatives who may have attached his name to less controversial stances? ”

Teacher: "Ok, that’s enough. Go see the Principal. "

I think it’s worth mentioning that we have a holiday celebrating a man who was once on the FBI’s most watched list. (Kind of redefines for people what a Patriot is) Not someone who deflates a football, but who inflates our better nature.

It might be cool to teach kids at the youngest of ages then to question everything they read and hear from adults? Problem is you can’t really grade that kind of intelligence, can you? Or maybe you can? I don't know grade me.  

I digress.

We are at an interesting time in our collective young countries’ conscious though. Regardless of the outcome we do have a huge knowledge disparity in everyone’s own bubble of comfort. And it's a lot of Southern Comfort.

(ahh the racism isn't as evident as menacing dogs and blasts of water, it's more your 'what are you doing here?' light racism. Goes down smooth.)

The internet and social media, while a successful tool at times, has become the giant yard sign, not just informing your view, but condemning others with a condescending tone. I have the facts and I'm not afraid to destroy you with it.

But I get it. You can't 'show' people the truth. You sometimes have to beat it over their heads with a collective outrage that makes you sleepless.

I see, I see. It's so Seattle.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the area I’m in. It’s bluer then a Smurf’s penis and the people for the most part are tolerant even when their deodorant isn’t. But I think as progressives we tirelessly end up fighting each other wanting a mile when we might only get an inch. And when we 'fight' the other side with flow charts and customized facts (also known as real facts) we forget that we may be talking to someone who doesn't speak our language: (reality)

Rage Against the Machine said, "Your anger is a gift."

And what better way then to give it to others? It's the gift that keeps on giving.

My vote used to matter. I used to live in Ohio, the heart of it all. (We've had a couple of heart surgeries and we are just doing fine)

I get that people out here are pissed that an election might be decided by a couple of states that are living in 1985 (not a bad year for music just throwing that out there?)

But don't worry Seattle and Pacific Northwest. The world isn't over. As 'Winter is Coming" And the Game of Throned Midwest "White Walkers" like me come here we are just looking for jobs.

And to change your babies over to us. We will talk to strangers. Look puppy eyed at you and talk in accents and our cartoonish demeanor will grow and grow and pretty soon it won't matter that nuclear radiation has captured the Puget Sound.

Puget Sound will become the Pungent Sound and Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle.

Enjoy your last days............

Just kidding. We have time. So Love the one's your with.

Just don't drink the Poison to fast kids.