A young twenty-two year old Frank Drebbin Jr, having just attended his father's funeral and dropping out of college, has a choice:
Does he follow in his father's footsteps to become a cop, or follow his passion for law? Old and new friends, family, and other transients guide him along the way.
Will he find himself in uniform, or in the cast of Rent?
John Mulaney is Frank Drebbin Jr.
IN:
NEW TALES FROM POLICE SQUAD!
The, are we really doing this? ( Seattle Edition)
Pilot
Written by: Jack Gorbett
Episode 1- What Now?
Fade out of black, an empty funeral parlor in east L.A. The camera slowly zooms from back of the room to Ed Hockley (now 73 years old) , who is grieving at an open casket. The camera follows the room through the empty aisle of chairs to Ed's back, finally to a shot of his torso and head. He's crying as he's talking to the casket. It looks as if he had been praying.
Ed: Oh geeze Frank. What a way to go. My uncle Morty had a heart attack after he caught his wife of twenty years with the Puerto Rican pool boy named Ricky Ricardo. His dog's name was Dezi Arnez ironically. The damn thing used to bite me when I went over their house to swim in the pool. There were bongos and drums, it was wild. I guess, I guess. I never had the chance to tell you I loved you buddy!
When Ed gets to 'his dog's name' we see a man approach him cautiously and with sincerity from behind and taps Ed on the shoulder.
Man: Sir. Sir. I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong funeral. This is Phil Donahue's casket.
Ed composes himself and stands up a little shocked but has confidence.
Ed: I'm sorry. He made some great shows.
Ed shakes the man's hand as the man is puzzled. Ed is somewhat confused.
Ed: He will be missed.
Ed gathers all of his figurines of children's toys he had placed on the exterior of the casket. He then walks over to a much larger room with flowers and postcards in tribute to the late Lt. Frank Drebbin of Police Squad. The camera pans slowly left to right as messages read on giant hand made cards, 'So,so,so,so sorry for your loss.' (picture of Grumpy Cat) "Over 5,000 bad guys killed, 600 pending, only 1 good guy down.' "We'll always have Ferguson, Missouri." "Your heart stopped working, but your spirit lives on." Finally, "Get better soon."
Nordberg Jr. notices Ed as he's sitting next to Frank Drebbin Jr and his mother Jane. (The widow of Lt. Frank Drebbin.) He gets Jane's attention. Jane gets up and walks over to Ed. Nordberg accompanies her while young Frank Jr sits with his head down. Jane is distraught.
Jane: Oh Ed! How can this happen?
Nordberg Jr overhears
Nordberg Jr: Most heart attacks are the result of coronary heart disease, a condition that clogs coronary arteries with fatty, calcified plaques. In the early 1980's research suggests....
Ed interrupts
Ed: Nordberg, not now. Here.
Ed throws a Kindle at him and his eyes light up.
Nordberg Jr: Dora!
He leaves the conversation briskly.
Ed: Jane, Jane I know. This is hard to swallow
Jane sobbing
Jane: Like a martini made by Bill Cosby, oh Ed!
Jane continues to hug Ed crying. He embraces her like a father embracing a child. Her tears quickly increase so buckets of water are pouring off of Ed in an exaggerated fashion.
Ed: There there Jane. Frank will always be with us. Just not here with us.
Ed emphasized 'here with us.' As Ed is talking police officers in the funeral parlor overhear and come towards Jane and Ed to interject their own feelings. Each one offering a small remembrance, and upon completion, walking to Ed sobbing him hugging him. Jane, unable to keep it together leaves the room.
Officer Bronson: I can remember the time we were chasing that perp and what was a warning shot by Frank turned into a fatality. It was the little things.
He hugs Ed, crying.
Officer Wilson: I remember a stake out we stopped at Outback Steakhouse on the way. We missed the steak out, but finised the steak.
He runs to Ed, hugging Ed with Officer Bronson, crying.
Officer Styles: I can remember......
Officer Styles is dressed in a black teddy from The Village People. He keeps breaking up crying in between words as he does the hand motions.
Officer Styles: Y....M....C. Ahhhh Frank!
He goes to hug Ed with the other officers.
Suddenly, what appears to be about eight police officers all crying hugging Ed. Ed is a little irritated at the bombardment and shouts to the room of about eighty people. There's a pool of tears about two feet deep at his feet.
Ed: There there guys, c'mon. Frank was loved. He will be missed. There's donuts courtesy of George Zimmerman's Donut Stand your Ground along the wall over there. Help yourselves.
Everyone runs for the food, leaving Ed time to compose himself. He notices a young Frank Drebbin Jr who has pulled up a seat next to his late father's casket. Ed approaches him resting his hand on his shoulder.
Ed: Hey champ. He was a good man.
Frank Drebbin Jr slowly looks up at Ed. He is a spitting image of his dad.
Frank Jr: I know Uncle Ed. I know. I only wish I could be at least half the man he was.
Ed: You are champ. And don't you forget it!
Frank Jr: Forget what now?
They both look at the casket in silence for awhile, both looking at their watches in uncomfortable silence. Finally Frank Jr, breaks the silence looking at his dad's casket as he talks.
Frank Jr: You knew him best Uncle Ed. Dad always encouraged me, was always there for me. Like a 24 hour Wal-Mart I knew I could always count on him. I didn't know what he wanted for me, or if I made him happy. We all saw his health deterorating. It was like watching Larry King. With him gone, I don't know what to do. Mom's a mess and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get my life back together Unlce Ed. I've lost my drive, my ambition. I'm just lost. I've become the Cleveland Browns offense.
Ed: No you're not kid. Listen. Frank, he wanted you to be happy champ. You're just confused right now kid. And that's ok. Like a high school freshmen at Burning man, this is a lot to take in at the moment. Whatever you choose to do; read some law books, or have the thrill of the chase, studying a law, or arresting some perv questionably who snuck into your niece's dorm one night to watch her sleep. You'll know. When time time comes kid, you'll know.
As Ed is comforting the young Frank Jr, suddenly Nordberg Jr, along with the rest of the Police Squad runs into the funeral parlor with a collective shocked expression. Nordberg Jr, the rookie on the force speaks first:
Nordberg Jr: Sargeant Hockley we have a problem.
Ed: Nordberg what did I tell you, call me Ed.
Nordberg Jr: No, I'm Nordberg.
Frank Jr: What is it?
Nordberg Jr: We have a problem. The next funeral over is gang affiliated and they may want retaliation on a couple of missteps by us.
Ed speaking out loud buy under his breathe.
Ed: To think, Phil Donahue.
Ed snaps out of it and speaks louder.
Ed: Nordberg call for more backup. Frank I think you should get out of here.
Frank Jr: Ed I can help. I've had experience with gangs briefly. The bloods, the 45 Crypts, my high school's PTA.
Ed: Look Frank, I can't take that chance. You might end up dead.
Frank Jr: You might end up dead is my middle name.
Nordberg Jr: I thought that was your father's middle name?
Ed, Frank Jr, Norberg Jr, look confused at the camera.
Ed: Look we don't have time. Frank get behind the casket. Nordberg, gather the others to make a line. Flip over those chairs. At any moment that gang is going to come barging through there. We have to make a stand.
The moment after Ed says "have to make a stand" Officer Styles interjects finding something on a folding chair.
Officer Styles: It's my custard!
Ed: Oh, that's not a good sign.
Suddenly the 45 Crypts come in the room with Uzi's spraying bullets all over the room. A man shouts out that it's the 45 Crypts The officers get down behind an arrangement of chairs for cover. The bullets they shoot spray a message that reads "We appreciate what you're doing but believe you can make better choices in how you handle our community."
Man shouting off Camera: There not done! It's the Girl Scouts of America!
Ed: Nordberg! Did you forget to order those boxes?! Get down! Throw them more money!
The Girl Scouts of America in full uniform have taken the place of the 45 Crypts and are unloading bullets in the room. All the police officers take out their wallets as the girls are shouting and hollering. Suddenly, the local teacher's union enters the room and replaces the Girl Scouts.
Man shouting off Camera: Oh no! The Teacher's Union!
Ed: Gentlemen we need more money!
In a hail of bullets police officers get up running to an ATM at the corner of the funeral parlor. The shooting intensifies. We zoom into a frantic lineup of police waiting to use the ATM as they enter their pin code and go through six screens to confirm it's their account. Please enter your birthday, zip code, social security number, last time you had sex etc etc. After what seems like several minutes, the shooting subsides as all groups are in the room playing what seems like the game Twister now.
As the shooting comes to a cease fire a young Frank Drebbin Jr pops up oddly excitedly from behind his late father's casket smiling as he's plugged in a police siren that's attached to the top of Frank Drebbin Sr's casket. As he sprouts up the casket immediately closes and he accidentally knocks the casket off it's rails. The Police Siren starts blaring. The Casket has wheels and slides down the aisle out the front door of the funeral parlor. Frank looks amazed, as this is all going down.
Frank Jr: LOOK OUT!
(CUE FAMOUS POLICE SQUAD MOVIE INTRODUCTION. UP CLOSE IMAGE SPINNING INTO FULL SCREEN)
The casket goes out of the funeral parlor carrying a crypt member, a girl scout, and a teacher all firing a gun at it. They fall off. Next we see it rolling out on the street. It runs over a man carjacking an old lady. Next we see it rolling down the steps of Congress clearing a path as lobbyists and congress men and women duck out of the way. Next, it's on a roller coaster. Next, it's on a football field with a football attached to the hood running over players. Next, it's on Dancing with The Stars with Cheech Martin as its dance partner. Lastly, it's rolling down a busy street at night weaving in and out of cars.
Night slowly turns into day as it's rolling down suburbs swerving to avoid school children at bus stops. Finally it rolls into a cemetery down a hill between mourners and into a six foot hole made for a coffin.
(Fade to black)
We pan in an upward shot from inside a six foot hole where Frank Drebbin Sr. is buried. People have their heads bowed in prayer. In attendance are Jane Drebbin, Ed Hockley, the entire Police Squad, the mayor, Norberg Jr, an array of street clowns and performers, and finally Frank Drebbin Jr. A priest is overseeing the crowd commenting on the late great Lieutenant.
Priest: A good man, and an honest man. I'm told by those who actually knew him, that Frank Drebbin was always exchanging bullets and firearms with his fellow officers.
The priest gives the sign of the cross.
Priest: May he find eternal rest at this, his final rest stop.
The camera pans out to reveal an unnecessary amount of wasps and hornets under the tree that Frank is buried at.
Priest: In the name of Father, the Son, the Holy Sprit, amen. In the nombre padre, cinco de mayo, es spirtey, amen. Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam, floredium, sanctamonium. Amen.
The casket begins to lower into the ground.
Priest: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you want to cry, weep now you must.
Jane starts sobbing.
Everyone starts throwing flowers into the casket, followed by police guns, Playboy Magazines, Women's lingerie, a book entitled "A Policeman's Guide to Making it in Heaven"
Ed goes over to comfort Jane and Frank Jr as the younger Drebbin is holding on to his mother.
Jane: Oh sweetie, your father loved you so so much. Oh Ed! he never had a bad word to say about anybody, to their face!
Jane sobs louder.
Ed: There there Jane. It's been a couple of crazy days.
Nordberg Jr. walks by
Nordberg Jr: Tell me about it! I bet on the Jets this week, and I won!
Ed speaks to Nordberg Jr. Frank Drebbin Jr slowly walks away.
Ed: Nordberg, where's your father?
Nordberg Jr: Good question. Mom told me he was still held up on business.
Ed, rather nervously looking around
Ed: Oh, yeah.
Ed returns his attention to Jane
Ed: Oh Jane. The memories we all shared. Like you remember that time we took your Ferari down the coast and met those Haitian hitchhikers and we took them back to our hotel? I'll never forget the.....
Ed is interrupted by police officer Bronson who is shaking his head no. Jane looks puzzled.
Jane: I'll always remember the good times. I just worry about Frank Jr.
Officer Bronson: He looks like he's handling it all ok.
Jane looks to her son who is stabbing a tree with a large knife. She walks over to him while the officers gather around in the background sharing their favorite 'Frank' stories.
Jane approaches her son slowly.
Jane: You alright bud?
Frank Jr: Is Isis alright Mom?
Jane: Well I mean they are a brutal regime, but have made significant advances given their vast gains of well supplied terror tactics and....
She slowly trails off to a whisper
Frank Jr: I'll miss him Mom. I'll miss him.
Frank Jr walks away towards the line of cars alongside the cemetery. Ed sees this, and walks over to Jane.
Ed: Any luck?
Jane: I don't know Ed. I mean he loved his father.
Ed out loud but mainly to himself,
Ed: Yeah, so did Marvin Gaye.
Jane: I know this has to be hard for him. Promise me you'll look after him Ed?
As Jane is saying this Frank Jr, walks into a ready made coffin hole six feet deep.
Frank Jr off camera: Son of A!
Ed: I'll try my best Jane. He did mention to me earlier he was very confused. Like a blind racist.
Jane walks away to her car and turns to Ed as she opens her car door.
Jane: I'll see you back at the house?
Ed: I'll see you there Jane.
Ed walks over to Frank Jr who is sitting beside the open grave of his late father.
Ed: Hey champ. Mind if I sit?
Frank Jr. nods sheepishly
Ed: What now?
Frank Jr: What now?
Ed: Well yeah kid. What do you want to do?
Frank Jr: I don't know Unlce Ed. My mind's torn between two things: Practicing law or enforcing it.
Ed: That's not what I meant kid, but ok.
Frank Jr: My question is, what's the difference?
Ed looks out at the cemetary at nothing in particular
Ed: A gun.
Ed pauses. Take a breathe and puts his hand on Frank Jr's shoulder.
Ed: Well kid, you should know that your father would be very proud of you no matter what you pursue. Now get up I have a surprise for you.
Frank Jr: Is this like a surprise like the time you played Russian roulette with me and my friend Dale at my 12th birthday party?
Ed: No champ. And I'm terribly sorry about Dale. He was a good kid.
Frank Jr: What is it?
Ed: Follow me
They both walk about twenty yards to the line of police cars that are parked alongside the grass and road.
Ed: As you know, your mother went through the will of your father. He wanted you to have something.
At this moment a very attractive female officer walks past both of them as they stare dumbfounded her.
Ed: No champ, not that. This.
Ed tosses car keys to Frank Jr. It's the keys to his Dad's old patrol cruiser. The same car made famous by him.
Frank Jr: Wow seriously!? You mean it's mine?
Ed is smiling. The first time he's seen Frank Jr happy in some time.
Ed: Yep. Your father wanted you to have it. Now remember, you're not a cop so you can't use the siren legally, but if you have any ex's it can make for fun times. Now, it just had its breaks fixed so it will stop on a dime for you. But it's yours champ.
Frank Jr bear hugs Ed.
Frank Jr: This is the best Uncle Ed!
Ed: You can drive it over to your mothers. I'll see you in fifteen minutes. I just have to pay my respects to J. Edgar Hoover.
The camera pans out to see a ballet dress laid over a tombstone. Frank excitingly nods and happily gets in the car and starts it up. Blue Oyster Clut's 'Don't Fear the Reaper" is blaring from the radio. He goes to change the station and Guns N' Roses version of "Knocking on Heaven's Door" is playing. He goes to try and turn the radio off and some song with the lyrics "When I die, When I die, Soon I'll die." keep repeating. He finds the volume, and turns it down.
Frank Jr: I'll see you soon
Frank Jr is driving the car trying to navigate out of the cemetery. He sees signs that say 'or The Living Back to the Real World This Way' 'If dead, turn around.' We see Frank J from an birds eye view shot exit the cemetery.
(Voice Over: Fank Jr. We see him driving his dad's police cruiser looking straight ahead almost thinking)
Frank Jr's voice over: After leaving my Dad's funeral preceding's and getting my new car cleaned I was on the way back to my Mother's house to have, what the Irish call, a seven hour Happy Hour, when the strangest thing happened: After Uncle Ed gave me the keys to my Dad's car my thoughts became a voice over while I was driving. I felt depressed, confused, lost without him. It was like Van Halen without David Lee Roth. As I made that drive to my Mom's house to celebrate the life of my father I was reminded of how I love him. I also knew I'd have to allow myself to grieve and go through this process. Yes, Like a division III college basketball team playing the New York Knicks, I was going to have to take it easy.
Scene change:
Shot of Frank J coming to a quick stop and a man who we presume was cleaning his car earlier falls off the front grille of the car. Frank walks around the back of his mom Jane's house. It's a suburban LA house with a back yard. He sees Nordberg Jr flipping burgers as if he was hired to do so. In the backyard are various people from the Police Squad with their children. In the background the song '99 bottles of beer' (Jane and Frank's wedding song) is playing. There's a magician, a clown and a man doing balloon animal's for the kids next to Nordberg Jr. It's almost festive in nature. Frank makes contact with Nordberg Jr.
Frank Jr: Hey Nordberg! Have you seen my mother around?
Nordberg Jr: Have not good buddy. I think she may be inside. Hey Frank, how do you like your burger?
Frank Jr: Well done
Nordberg Jr: Well Thank you. I grilled a lot as a kid.
Frank Jr corrects Nordberg.
Frank Jr: No I like my burger well done.
Nordberg smiles as he holds up a picture of Lionel Ritchie in one hand and Louis Armstrong in another.
Nordberg Jr: Which color Frank?
Frank Jr, points to the Louis Armstrong photo.
Nordberg Jr: Sounds great. Hey, I think that girl you've been talking to at school is here. What's her name Candice?
Frank Jr: No, Candice was your girlfriend remember? You mean Jill.
Nordberg Jr: Oh yeah. Wait, she called me and said she was late. I thought it was to the party.
Nordberg temporarily closes the grille cover and takes off his chef apron that reads "If you get food poisoning, my bad." and walks away. As he's walking away a football thrown by a group of kids hits him in his crotch. He falls down.
Kids Screaming: Touchdown! Touchdown!
The kids walk over a visibly hurt Nordberg Jr and take the burgers off the grille. Frank reacts like it was going to happen and walks into his Mom's house when he sees a girl, about his same age, a blonde sitting at the kitchen table with his mom.
Jane: There you are sweetie! You remember Jill?
Frank looks at them both sardonically and a little agitated
Frank Jr: Sure I do. She was with Jack. They went up a hill. Things happened.
He opens the fridge oblivious to them to grab a beer. Jill is looking Frank Jr's way to get some acknowledgment of her presence.
Jill: I was sorry to hear about your father Frank. I was just talking to your Mom. If there's anything I can do. I hadn't seen you at school for a couple of weeks now and then I heard about what happened through the magic of Facebook.
Jane interrupts
Jane: That reminds me Frank. You've said you would show me how to use this Facebook.
Frank Jr interrupts. He shouts back.
Frank Jr: The magic of Facebook? Showing you how to use it? Look what you did now. No Mom, I will not help you get on social media. Jill you didn't call me back after what was what? Two months? And now you're here?
Frank storms upstairs to his old boyhood room. It was the same as he left it when he was twenty-one. His room is decorated to the brim in old Scooby Doo memorabilia and Mickey Mouse action figurines. Jane follows rather cautiously a storming Frank Drebbin Jr to his 'safe space.'
Jane knocks on the door and just walks in anyways. She sits next to her crying son, head in pillow.
Jane: Oh sweetie I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you with this nonsense. I know this time is hard.
Frank sits up and is wiping the tears from his face not knowing that he made the perfect image of the Mona Lisa with those same tears on his pillow.
Jane looks down amazed, then turns her attention back to her son.
Frank Jr: What now Mom?
Jane: What do you mean what now? Honey you don't need to decide on these life decisions right now.You just lost your father. Take time to think about what you want to do. Allow yourself to grieve. You've had a rough couple of weeks.
Frank Jr mumbles to himself out loud.
Frank Jr: Yeah, like the president in Oklahoma.
Jane: What I do know honey is that we love you and there's a girl down there who I've been talking to who is just head over heals for you and is here now as a friend. The same girl you raved about your first day of college. Go down there. Talk to her. Or don't. You decide honey. We are here for you.
At that moment Jill is at the entrance to Frank Jr's room
Jill: Mrs. Drebbin, I'm sorry. The Police Squad made a beer run and Officer Nordberg agreed to watch their kids. Well, the officer's kids are playing "Stop and search" on officer Nordberg now and needless to say he needs your help getting out of the pig tie that they put him in.
Cutaway to Nordberg bound and gagged like a roasted pig as children read him his Miranda rights.
Cut back to Jane.
Jane: I better go.
Jane leaves the room in a hurry. Jill sits down next to Frank Jr. on his bed. Frank Jr. is sipping his drink through a straw.
Jill: It's comfy.
Frank: I personally like Guineese myself but this O'Douls is nice and strong.
Jill: I know why you left Frank. What did you think I wouldn't like you if you had told me your Dad was ill and you had to go home for awhile? I didn't speak to you for two months because I was so caught up in my own life.
Frank looks in the distance just shaking his head sipping his O'Douls through a straw.
Jill: Why don't you come back to the dorm with me tonight Frank. No pressure, just get away from all of this for a couple of days. Get your mind off of things. If you want to do nothing, you can do nothing. We can pretend we're congress.
Frank: I don't know. I just don't know Jill.
Jill stands up confidently and a little angry but with a force to uplift Frank Jr. from this funk he's deciding to put onto himself.
Jill: Well listen up. I didn't come back here to rehash the past right now. I came back here to be here for you as a friend. I came back to see how someone I care about is doing during this hard time. All I care about is seeing that you're ok.
Frank: Well I'll be ok, but I'm not okay! Okay?
Jill looks at him puzzled, kisses Frank on the forehead. She slowly gets up.
Jill: Think about it?
She leaves.
Frank sits up and finishes the rest of his O'Douls with his straw until we hear end of it.
He slowly smiles as he watches Jill leave.
SCENE:
(Voice Over of Frank Jr Driving his Dad's old car. Looking forward, an expression of thinking)
Frank Jr. Voice over: After taking Nordberg Jr to the intensive care unit for internal bleeding and letting the five O'Douls settle out of my system so I could muster the courage to drive, I had to get away. Jill. Just that name alone had my mind in so many places. It had been months since we last talked. I had just quit law school with a somewhat tepid interest to join a police force. Then my father passed. I didn't know what to do next. You see I always have my eyes on the future.
Frank Jr jerks the wheel as someone off camera yells "Watch where you're going assh **Car beep**
I decided it would be wise to get away as Jill said so after some light packing
Camera pans out to see that Frank Drebbin Jr's bedroom is on top of the police car. His bed. His Mickey Mouse collection and Scooby Doo Collectables.
I made my way like Jack Kerouac, I got high. No, no I was on the road. I needed to spend a night back at the old dorms with my old roommate who lived close to Jill, Ted. He was a good friend of Jill's and his Dad was the late great Ted Senior, scientist. We met when we were both studying law last semester not knowing our fathers had worked together on Police Squad. He dropped out of the law program and so naturally he switched to a biology major. Ted Jr finished a treatment already at the young age of twenty-two, his greatest invention. It prevented athletes from acting out and becoming violent. He coined it, marijuana. Jill was going to meet us at his dorm room. Ted and Jill had dated for two weeks before I ever met them. Like a Doors cover band, it wasn't serious. The situation might be awkward, but like a paraplegic driving an elementary bus, I was going to have to make it work.
Frank Jr stop his police car on a dime and we see a doctor, presumably from the hospital he dropped Nordberg off, fall of the grille of the car.
Cut to Frank Jr. knocking on the door of Ted's dorm room apartment. Ted opens the door wearing a scientists white robe with pocket protector and some type of intensified magnified glass for glasses.
Frank is taken back, confused and shocked.
Frank Jr: Hi, uh. I'm looking for Ted?
Ted: Frank!
He throws off the glasses.
Ted: It's me! Ted!
Ted realizes he may appear silly wearing his 'scientist outfit' peels it off to show he's got a suit and tie on underneath.
Ted: Oh silly me! Hey come on in buddy! Dinner is about done, but you're just in time to test my new toy.
Ted points over to his window and encourages Frank Jr. to join him.
Frank Jr: I thought you were a biology major Ted?
Frank Jr. laughs out loud.
Ted: Oh I am. But here look!
Cut away to a scene outside Ted's apartment of a young college student trying to rob at gunpoint a young women in a parked car. All of a sudden out of the side of her car door a syringe comes out and is injected into the assailant's neck. He falls. Cut away to Frank Jr's 'ouch' reaction.
Ted: I call it the Oklahoma execution!
Ted is proud.
Ted: I wasn't sure on the name, until I read the news. It was either that or Death panel dagger.
Frank: I think you made the better choice.
Frank makes the motion that he may throw up, but manages to keep it together.
Ted points to the dinner table where miracously all the food is neatly laid out and ready for consumption.
Ted: I hope you like fish.
Frank Jr: They're ok. I saw them open up for the Dave Matthews Band last summer.
Ted: Oh no Frank. Dinner I meant.
Ted points to the array of fish that's laying on the table perfectly cooked.
Frank Jr: Oh yes, why of course. I have crabs too.
Ted: I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad Frank. He was a great guy.
Frank: Thanks. I still can't believe he's gone.
Ted: Growing up my Dad told me many stories of their time on the force together.
Frank Jr: Such as?
Ted: Oh investigations. Simple chit chat really. Homicide investigations. Crime. What really happened at the end of Lost.
Frank sighs
Ted: So what have you been up to lately my friend?
Frank Jr: Not much Ted. My mind has been all over the place. I dropped out of law school, don't know if you heard.
Ted: I didn't. I'm sorry to hear that buddy.
Frank Jr: Don't be. I need time to think, to plan for my next course of action in all of this.
Ted speaks out loud but under his breathe
Ted: Yeah, kind of like Jeffery Dahmer.
Frank Jr: What's that?
Ted: Nothing, come with me I got a surprise for you pal.
Ted directs Frank Jr to his living room where he has all these old photos of their Dads together on the force. The camera pans left to right photos showing a pool party, then bowling, then they're at a gun range with what appers to be two year old Ted and Frank Jr. Then they're all in a shark tank together, followed by war torn Baghdad.
Frank Jr: I can't believe that was you and I didn't know! How was I suppose to know that rifle wasn't loaded. The War lord told me it was unloaded.
Ted: Don't even think about it buddy. I was only in the ICU for a couple of weeks. I got better. And that's when I first met Jill!
Frank: You know I saw her recently
Ted: Oh yeah?
Frank: She appeared out of nowhere saying all these good things. You know like Orpah and.....
At 'good things' Frank starts to trail off his mind wandering.
At this moment Frank Jr's cell phone starting ringing and he slowly gets out of his mumbling monologue. It's Jill.
Frank Jr. excuses himself in the other room to take the call.
Ted: Sure bud, take your time!
Jill sounds frantic on the phone.
Jill: Frank? Oh I'm glad I got a hold of you. It's Norberg Jr.
Frank: Is he ok?
Jill calms down her voice
Jill: Mentally or physically?
Frank: What's wrong Jill?
Jill: Well, the hospital called me as his emergency contact?! I can't make it now because I'm helping in delivery this baby. I can't be there until two hours.
Cut away to Jill. Who's studying now to become a obstetrician delivering a baby while on the phone and a mother with a not so happy look on her face.)
Women giving birth: WHAT?!?!?
Jill looks at her innocently shocked.
The reception is bad. Frank hollers out on the phone.
Frank Jr: I'll be there in twenty minutes.
He hangs up the call.
Ted: Is it serious?
Frank: No, it was Jill. I got to get over to Kavorkian Kind Hospital now.
Ted: What is it?
Frank Jr: It's a building with doctors and nurses, but that's not important now Ted. Tell me, can you drive?
Ted: Why sure!
Cut away to Ted's gigantic Monster Truck parking between two Toyota Priuses. They rush over to the hospital. The sign reads "Kavorkian Kind Hospital"- If you're sick, or sick of life, we are here.
Frank and Ted walk determined to find Nordberg Jr's room. Frank spots a nurse who looks very busy.
Frank Jr: Excuse me ma'am. I'm here to see Nordberg Jr. Do you know where I can find him?
Nurse: And I'm here to find Jimmy Hoffa. The check in is behind you.
In giant letters behind Ted and Frank Jr read "CHECK IN HERE TO FIND OUT WHERE YOUR LOVED ONE IS"
Before they even ask the front desk responds to Frank Jr.
Lady at front desk: Go down the hall, follow the groans and screams.
Frank Jr: Thank you. C'mon Ted, let's go!
The briskfully walk following directions and hear Nordberg Jr. They enter his room. Nordberg is banged up from head to toe with gauze all around him. It appears he has a busted right knee cap and a two badly broken arms.
Frank breaks a silence as he walks in to Nordberg Jr.
Frank Jr: Wow Nordberg! These kids really did a number on you! I can talk with my law friends and although it may be a conflict of interest for me, we can sue the parents. Or, my dad's old colleagues.
Nordberg is in and out of consciousness between moans and rambling words.
Nordberg Jr: No Frank. This wasn't the kids. I was discharged two hours ago. This was. This was.
Frank Jr: What was it Nordberg?! A Pokémon go cult? Tell us.
Nordberg is trying to tell a story that's inchorrent. Frank and Ted look at each other and the nurses that have joined them in the room puzzled. Frank feels saddned and angry that his good friend has been put in this position and that he's in pain. At this moment the nurses administer a drug and check Nordberg's fluids and IV.
Frank Jr: Nordberg, assaulted?! Were you assaulted?
Nordberg is nodding his head in agreement.
Frank Jr: Who did this to you buddy?!
Frank is talking very loud. He shifts his attention to the nurse next to him.
Frank Jr: Excuse me nurse. Can you make sure he gets the best of care?
He slips two dollars bills in her breast pocket very seriously.
Suddenly Nordberg feels a little better, and starts talking.
Nordberg Jr: Don't. Know. Took my wallet. Said. We know. We know that he's taking his father's footsteps.
Frank and Ted look at each other. Ted is also good friends with Nordberg. Ted and Frank Jr almost say in unison.
Ted and Frank Jr: Who? Whose father?
They look at each other confused.
Nordberg Jr: Said. They said. ahh. They said they needed to get back to Pikes Place.
Frank talks to Ted and to anyone who's in ear shot.
Frank Jr: Pikes place? Pikes place? That strip club closed years ago.
Ted interjects
Ted: Frank I think he might be talking about the Seattle market.
Nordberg nods his head in agreement before passing out.
Frank Jr: Yes, yes of course!
Frank Jr is growing upset and confused as all these thoughts are racing to his head. He looks at the hospital staff and nurses gathered in his room. It's at this moment that the entire Police Force (Police chief Dugan included) are in Nordbergs tiny hospital room)
Frank gets a nurses attention.
Frank Jr: What can you do for him? Why is he in so much pain? And why and the hell is this officer's food in this container!?
Frank picks up Nordbergs stool bucket and eats it not knowing the contents.
Frank Jr: And what kind of crap do you guys serve here?
Ed has arrived he interjects.
Ed: Son, uh that is crap.
Frank Jr. slowly puts it down. He starts to ponder. Officer's are talking amongst themselves about how this could have happened. Frank Jr is thinking about the past couple of months, the past weeks, the past days and he asks everyone to be quite.
Frank Jr: I've decided what I need to do. I need to find out who did this to Nordberg Jr. They know Ed. They know me and somehow I'm involved. They told Nordberg that either Ted or myself would take over their father's footsteps.
Ed: What do you think that means kid?
Camera pans to Frank Jr's determined face.
Frank Jr: It means I have to be a cop.
Everyone spits out whatever drink they magically summoned in that moment.
Ed: A cop? Kid, that will take months, maybe years to happen. Why don't you settle down and we can talk about this.
The chief of Police interjects
Chief of Police: There's always Cleveland, Ohio. They need help Frank.
Frank Jr: Seattle it is. Chief, you think you can put me in charge of whoever runs that operation?
Chief of Police: Sure kid, you bet. I'll make some calls.
At this moment Jill, who has blood all over her comes running into the overly crowded room pushing through people as club music is in the background with dark llighting and a party atmoshphere.
Jill: Frank! Nordberg! Is he going to make it?
Frank Jr: He is. I've made it too. I know what's next. I have to find out who did this Jill.
Chief of Police: Young Frank Jr decided to follow in his Dad's footsteps and become a cop. I just told him there's help needed in Cleveland Ohio and Seattle Washington.
Jill: Good lord Chief. What did he say?????
Chief of Police: Seattle.
Jill, relieved.
Jill: Thank God!
Cut away to Frank Jr looking over Nordberg as everyone clears out. The moment is a serious one as Frank Jr vows to find out whoever did this and in the process find himself. What feels like ten minutes goes by. Finally, Ted walks back into the room tepidly.
Ted: Hey bud. Uh, I got a ticket for parking in the firelane. Think you can get it squashed for me?
Fade to black
End of Pilot episode.
Tune into Next Week's episode as Frank Jr flies from LA to Seattle. From Plastic to Organics......
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