Stand up in Galway

Hello Galway! I'm Jack, I'm from America. The prodigal son has returned!

 Please everyone sit down! No need to get up! Please remain seated! Thank you! **Look at audience member least intrested** Please sir/ma'am remain seated.

We Americans like to claim Ireland as our heritage like the Brits declared your island theirs.

But do we fully understand your struggle? 

To Americans "The Troubles" are not knowing the WiFi password and having to use our own cellphone data.

-'The Troubles' are the hard decisions we make if our town will bid for a new Walmart or Target. 

Eh, fuck it. Why not both? 

-'The Troubles' are what we called the Olson Twins in the early 00's. 

That's what we called double trouble. 

My girlfriend is getting her PhD here and asked if id like to see any ruins while I'm here.

I told her, "You know I live in America in 2026 right?" 

I get to see things ruinED everyday.

But I'm optimistic.

Learning your culture is a reminder that the Irish have a long history of overcoming great tradgedies; 

The Great Famine, The Irish Civil War, Lyndsey Lohan in the 2024 Netflix movie Irish Wish.

I'm learning Irish phrases as well and I'll be honest I was a little taken back how many people don't know and are instrested in hard drugs over here.

Repeatedly I've been asked

What’s the craic?" (Crack).

Clearly you guys haven't seen the movie New Jack City? (The most Irish movie ever) Wesley Snipes, Chris Rock, Ice-T (as Irish as they come)

Ask an American "What's the craic?" In the US and they'll assume you meant to say "Where is the crack?" And watch them give perfect directions to find it. 

And honestly maybe because I'm embarrassed to be an American right now that I'm assuming you're asking if we are ON CRACK. 

I want to get to know you all better.

(Crowd work asking people in the front row their opinions of the band U2) 

(Poll audience. Show of hands who likes U2, who doesn't. Who doesn't know the band?)

I went to Moydrum Castle the other day, famously burned in 1921 by the IRA and is on the cover of U2's album The Unforgettable Fire.

I feel U2 does their best work when writing about suffering in Ireland.

The Unforgettable Fire, Sunday Bloody Sunday, The War album.

Quick Galway, make 'new troubles' with Dublin so Bono and the boys go back to 1980's U2. Not to sound like a musical snob here, but I feel ever since their How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb album, they actually detonated one and this is why we are in the mess we are in.

What would that look like? A Galway/ Dublin fight?

I was told that Galway is the San Francisco of Ireland and that Dublin has the attitude of New York City. If that's the case, my money is on Dublin. 

I love music. Today I felt like the band A Flock of Seagulls, both because my bed hair, and,

Iran.

Iran so far away I tell myself. Iran is far away.

I ran. I did cardio. 

I need to run now to get where I'm going when I get back to the states because petrol (gas) prices are higher than a Snoop Doggy Dogg, Willie Nelson tour bus. 

I would have used Irish celebrities in this analogy but we only know your culture as drinkers! 

Clearly this is an absurd stereotype some Americans have. The belief that all Irish people do is drink. It's absurd. 

You also eat too.

I figure Ireland with all your historical agony the majority of you would be Buddhist and not Catholic.

After all, one of the tenants of Buddhism is, "Life is suffering." 

......Well?

 Who better knows suffering than the Irish? 

Oh I know, Africans brought against their will to the Americas. 

I've seen more crosses in your country than burned ones in my countries southern area. Yeah kids, Google "KKK" for more information. And if you don't know, KKK isn't a new Gen Z phrase meaning "okay repeated" 

I leave you with one of my favorite Irish idioms and advice with a feminist touch as we welcome warmer weather and hopefully a better tomorrow. You know it as "Ireland forever" 

Say it with me

"Erin...... Go.....that's right.........Bra-LESS" 

"Erin go braugh."